2004-09-13 @ 9:52 a.m.....

Thanks, Journal!!

Once again you've helped me think things through.

By some miraculous turn of events, after I wrote last night's entry, I ended up speaking with my mother last night.

She's out of town for a memorial service for her grandfather. Killed in the line of duty. in 1918. My grandma was only 2 when he died in a police chase. One of the first motorcycle brigades. If only he hadn't.... Things would have been so very different for all of us. I truly feel that his death has affected each following generation significantly. But mostly, my grandma and me. I can totally identify with my gram - and mom wonders how she and I can be so close. But she'll never understand that. She had her dad. He died when she was 20, so I never had a grandfather around. Let's see, that makes: No Great-Grandfather, No Grandfather, No Father.... Sometimes I feel like a fatherless child - it's no wonder.

Anyway, that was off the point. But pertinent to the setting of the scene:

My mom & I were talking, she in her motel room, me finally at home after working all night long. And we actually had an honest conversation. I mean, for the very first time in My Whole Life we actually broke down the wall that always separated us, protected us- and we actually spoke our true feelings. First of all, I quit my usual making up stories to make her feel better, and she - she quit talking period. Because she alllllways does the talking and I just smile and nod and tell her what she wants to hear.

Anyway, a lightbulb went off in my head about mid-way through the conversation. Just when I thought we were headed into no-man's-land, agree to disagree, a light went on that illuminated everything that I've been doing for the past 9 months:

"Mom, I don't have any priorities right now as far as school, career, even relationships, and especially getting married and having children goes.... I Can't. How can I care about learning about somebody else, some other job, some other culture, some other person when I don't even know myself???? I'm not interested in the outside world, reading, writing, learning textbook knowledge at this point in time because I'm more interested in what's going on inside of me. You see, I am on an introspective journey. I need to lay the foundation of my Self in order to be able to even start on any of the rest of it. How can I take a class when I don't know anything about myself first? How can I find a job I love, a career path, when I don't know what I want? How can I love another human being unconditionally when I can't even do that for myself? How can I raise children without a strong sense of self? How can I gain the confidence it takes to live My Life and accomplish My Goals if I don't have the strong brickwork of Self laid out beforehand????"

and Thankfully, it clicked. My mama, I will give her credit for stretching her own imagination around My Individual Situation {shit, it's the least she could do, since she put me here in this unique situation}.

From my mom's perspective, I have always had Everything: Beauty, Brains, Personality, Raw Talent.... But underneath all that, she understands now that I don't have what everybody else always had, unconditionally. And it can be deceiving because it's not something that anyone would know just from observing me for one day, a week, a month, even a year. One of my friends, a close one too, I didn't even hint at it until 4, yes FOUR, years into our friendship.... I have no father, there I said it. Even in the sense of "well, everyone has a father", my right to know about mine has been taken from me. My mother made up deceitful tales in order to both protect me and make me the most miserable half-being there ever was. I have no concept of my other half. Except that it's different. I've said that before here. That's all I know and because that doesn't fall in line with my appearance, it's confusing to me and not so for the world surrounding me. They see the Beauty, the Brains, The Bubbly Personality, The Charisma, The Smile, The Talent, .... but they can't see the emptiness, the darkness, the deep sadness, the longing, the waiting, the wondering, the questioning, the scar tissue along my heart.... cut in two, the other half neatly disposed of in the early hours of one January morning.

Damn.

Anyway, my mama, she knows now. She understands why my path is different from hers. Why getting my Masters is not high on my priority list, why even finding a guy who impresses her is not even an option {how could I meet someone who impresses her, when I can't even impress myself? how would I deem myself worthy of that?} Why I can't even think about marriage or having kids right now. I need to build a Basic Level of understanding about myself before I can venture further out into the world.... But at the same time, I need to venture out further into the world. And I do- I travel to visit friends across the country, throwing myself in different environments and learning so much from the sheer experience. My way is to go all over the place in order to be Verified. I need my kooky friends in kooky places who teach me so much more about myself than sitting alone in my apartment can. {I learn there too. Alone in My Space. I watch movies and I read books and I just sit and think about My Life so hard that sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes my eyes puff up to the size of raviolis I'm so tired and the tears just won't quit pouring out.}

This is My Journey, Journal. You are helping me through it. And for that, I thank You once again for listening.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?