2004-11-08 @ 11:50 a.m.....

so much negativity. so much, so much, so much.

i don't know what to do in order to snap out of it.

in one night i manage to lose my friend's magical book that she lent me in order to fix my karma.... get my car hit while it was sitting there parked on the street, so the driver's side door won't open.... have some lady decide to file a claim against ME saying that i damaged her frame when i tapped her bumper a month ago....

and then, as i'm scared to drive b/c there's crazy drivers out there, my best friend's boyfriend pops out my car door so it will open, so i can drive to the french bistro/bakery for brunch since they're leaving for ny immediately after. if only i'd stayed home.

i bumped into a car bumper in the parking lot. while the family was walking up to the car.

i just feel like a giant magnet for tragedy right now. i want to cleanse myself of all this bullshit karmic retribution.

yes, i had to cut it off completely with the one person i saw myself getting serious with - there was no other way to do it. i had to do it for both of us. what if, in four years when he finished the navy and we were supposed to start our lives together, what if i wasn't ready by then? what then? then it would be four years down the drain. that's what scared me most, the fact that i couldn't put it in stone that i would be ready by then. all the rest didn't matter. i would have made sure he was ready financially, etc. but me, emotionally, how do i put a timeline on that?? i mean damn.

so of course, he emails me to let me know he bought a new car.

and then, all my troubles started.

how do i get out of this vicious cycle.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?