2005-01-27 @ 4:00 p.m.....

i figure, i might as well get my money's worth from this thing.

i swore it was the writing that was making me crazy. apparently- not.

i am just plain crazy. that's all there is to it. i opened up a huge can of worms when i started writing in here, and, in my cloak of anonymnity, i began poking around within myself, searching for whatever it is that has been silently plaguing me for my entire life.

it's like.... i'm never completely happy. i can never just let go.... i am a prisoner of my own mind. which has been holding me hostage as a result of all of the trauma it's experienced. trying to protect me, i believe. having the best of the best intentions. and yet, look at me now. i am a quarter-century mess.

yes, i turned 25 this month. and it has begun the process of unraveling me day by day. this resulted in huge welts of, get this, Hives along my neck. i have yet to build up the resistance to completely get rid of them, although they're not so inflamed as they were.... i still have these itchy, irritating BUMPS ON MY NECK!

all of this, after i thought i was so cool. i actually thought i had grasped a secure grip on my life, that i was objectively working out the kinks, and that i was well on my way to a happy, fulfilling relationship [with myself].

then all it took was for one person to ask The Key Questions.... which have been breaking me down consistently ever since. suddenly i feel so weak, so vulnerable, so out of sorts.... so.... not.... me.

i don't know who i am anymore, i've lost all track of any progress i've made in coming to terms with my mixed identity, i've let my circumstances get the better of me, i've totally cloaked my own self with anonymnity from MYSELF>.

i'm not even trying to be overly dramatic about this. i hate being this way, i'm just trying to get it all out. because as crazy as i thought i was BEFORE, now.... i'm even crazier.

seriously.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?