2005-07-08 @ 12:42 a.m.....

i'm really quite sad right now. nothing in particular has happened to cause me to be so. but i am.

melancholy, if you will.

nostalgic.

things used to be so simple. i think i can attribute that to the feeling of knowing who i was. i may not have liked it, but at least i felt like i had an identity.

right now, at this point in my life, i feel like i have no homeland. i feel like tom hanks in terminal. like i've arrived at an international airport and my former country has erupted into a blip on a computer screen.

blip.

a figment.

a fragment of what once was.

the fact is, i cannot reach back into anything further than my mother and maternal grandmother. where does that lead me? not very far. because my mother strives to be as opposite as my grandmother as possible. thereby refusing any sort of tradition.

and forget about "old world". they both grew up in new york. they are as american as american gets. whatever that means.

so where does this leave me? a girl who feels so separate from anything and everything i should be identifying with according to society's standards??

"they" would have me categorized in a neat little box on the census form that depended on the deftness of the eyes of the census-taker if these were still those days. and if it were even a few years ago, i would still have to choose one box for myself. i would be required to do so.

so often i have checked other in my life. doing this gave me peace. momentarily.... only to be met with a quizzical glance. just b/c i checked other means that you have every right to inquire exactly what that means, doesn't it? "you look _______ to me". fill in the blank. i've heard it all. fuckers. you never really know.

i have a dentist who looks mexican but she's filipino. i have a friend who looks white but she's half chinese. i have a coworker who looks spanish (from spain) but he's salvadorean. i know a girl who looks mixed but her parents are both black. i know a girl who looks samoan but she's mexican, black and japanese. do you see what i'm saying???? things can be so much more complicated than they seem.

so exactly how complex is it when you remove 1/2 of the equation? and that 1/2 of the equation contributes to all of the things that lie underneath your skin, but don't show up to the naked eye? and the world treats you one way while you feel exactly the opposite?

and your black friends are saying that they are sick of black dudes and start dating jewish ones so "the kids will have a chance in life".

and your asian friends are claiming they have soul and they want a real thug n***a.

and your spanish-speaking friends are turning all the heads of every boy in town.

and you are just trying to love yourself. but you don't know exactly who you are so you just love everything and everybody. but not everybody loves you.

in fact, the one person who could love you and make you feel better about all this mess is absentee like a phantom limb of a war-torn soldier.

i'm still here and i'm still mixed-up like halo halo.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?