Why?2009-10-03 @ 12:00 a.m..... Why do I keep doing this to myself? What is wrong with me? Why do I unravel into a big old mess anytime I get a few hours/days to myself? It's like, give me some time and space and my mind will work overtime to convince me of my worthlessness. Isn't that ridiculous? I can logically look at it like that and say, "Yes", but yet it happens every time. My mind is my own worst enemy these days. I was literally pulsating with negativity earlier, how do I get rid of it???? When I keep dragging my other half down into it, I wonder if I'm really meant to do it alone. Am I too twisted to be in a realationship (emphasis on real)? I'm not just saying that for now, I mean forever. Maybe I am not meant to share my lifetime with somebody else. At this point, I've convinced myself that he would be better off without me. Well, my mind has done the talking and my crazy has done the listening. How do I turn this off though? It's sooooooo counterproductive. I guess the main problem with my current relationship is, rather than turning it "off", it's just in hibernation mode until something triggers it "on" and it's literally like a lightswitch. ON. F-ING ON. And once it's ON, neither I nor my partner can turn it OFF. In fact, it seems as though he exacerbates the problem by turning it UP in the process of trying not to get dragged down in his own stuff. If I could just feel safe. Safe enough to cry, vent, talk about what bothers me and what I think about in these dark times. But I can't. Because every time I do, he freaks out and then says hurtful things, which just ends up UP UP UP... turning that dial all the way up to MAX and it's like, there's no coming down from that. There's no OFF button then, the knob has broken off and what do I do then? Same thing I've always done - apologize, and go cry in private. Bottle it up and repress, repress, repress. So here I am, first day off in a multitude of days full of stress and just bullsh. And here I am bawling my eyes out. And I'm alone, so I don't know how to talk myself out of this. Because my mind is not on my side and is egging me on to jump jump jump. "JUMP SHIP!!" it says, "BAIL!!" And it all comes back to that thing that I admitted in my last desperate (disparate) post - the fact that I cannot seem to form a successful bond with another human being. Like, it goes agains my DNA. Which would make sense, because look where half of my DNA comes from? A complete asshole who turned his back on his own flesh and blood without a second thought. Oh wait, even with that second thought and screaming reminder - "Hey, look at me - over here, I am your daughter, your cheek cells say so!" Even with that, a piece of paper and an email - nope. NADA. So, knowing all of this. (since knowing is half the battle) What to do about it? Well, time and time again my bringing this up stresses my boyfriend out. My mom? Well, she has her own shit she's dealing with. Same with my brother. My friends, they all live so far away. I think what I needed most this week was someone in the flesh to talk to. Someone to look me in my eyes and remind me that I'm a human being. A human being. Nothing human is alien to me . Or at least, it shouldn't be. This is a new-to-me quote that has gotten me thinking a lot lately. Since for most of my life I have considered myself to be alien with all things human being alien to me.... Tangents everywhere. But yet this act of typing with no purpose in mind and just letting it all flow out, this is helping. This is sending calming waves through my body. Although my head is still in so much pain. It's like I house a full-sized demon alongside my brain. My pea-brain. Poor pea-brain. Ouch. Calming waves and now I'm officially exhausted.
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