2004-09-13 @ 5:52 p.m.....

So I have this issue with older men.

I'm not talking about relationships now.

Okay, so it's basically like in a father-figure sense, or an older man in a position of authority.

I can't take it. It freaks me out. I get so anxious/flustered/nervous/scared.

I hate it. I hate the fact that my lack of someone growing up has turned me into this pile of mush at the feet of any man in a position of power.

At one point I was crying in Home Depot, just because the head of the kitchen cabinet dept. wouldn't help me. He brushed me off and I flipped out.

Then there are certain people's fathers who I just can't be in the same room with. I automatically think they hate me/look down on me/despise my being there.

Every once in a while, a friend's father will just take to me. Whisk me off my feet and treasure me and make me feel like I'm not missing anything in my life. I feel 100% with them.

When I look at my brother with his daughter, I get pangs of jealousy and longing. Because he was my only lifeline growing up. He was both my father and my brother, when he didn't even have to be. But I still get scared when I do something wrong/rash/stupid in his eyes. I still get that anxious feeling of praying for approval.

It's crazy.

I know.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?