2004-09-23 @ 4:50 p.m.....

i've been sick for the past few days.

real sick.

and the shitty thing is. i didn't feel like writing. but there was so much to write. and i didn't. and i hate that. cause when i look back it'll be like, and? what happened?

i don't know.


why is it that i can totally detach myself from all emotion? i mean, aside from the obvious- it's a defense mechanism and i've been programmed to detach in order to not feel pain if or when i am abandoned.

but i can see how i push people away.

i mean, it appears almost malicious. i push so hard. i don't want anything to do with those who care about me. because i feel like no one really cares. even though evidence proves that they do. time and time again.

i thought i was past all that.

i thought i had started afresh and new this year, this 2004. my 24th year. on a side note, i've always felt that there's no other way to have it than to have the year perfectly correspond to your age. i mean, what would i have done if i was born in 1979 or 78 would have been even worse. but i digress.

i was so optimistic and exuberant all year long only to come crashing down in this, month of september.

maybe i really do have one of those afflictions where i need a certain amount of sunlight every day in order to be happy. actually, i almost can see a direct correlation to that.

but i'm just making up stuff, really. cuz the issue is: why do i detach myself, isolate, alienate.... dissociate and all the rest (i can't find the right word).... why do i still do it even though i've ascended in my conscious state of mind to know that this is self-defeating??

and i ask these questions b/c i truly don't know.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?