2004-10-29 @ 10:33 a.m.....

i've been neglecting you for a variety of reasons. i guess the most influential one being that it was really hard for me to get back on the horse and write again after the stalker-scare. my other diary is still locked. i just started writing again 2 days ago. it still feels weird.

but there is so much to sift through now. it's been building up like that cistern that i've been compared to. when my urn is full, it's not just water, but scraps of things - notes, paperclips, cloth swatches, trinkets and gears.... all swirling in murky water, that filters through the porous terra cotta shell.... to become clean and pure.... i know this probably makes absolutely no sense. but that's me. i collect things and fill up with thoughts, ideas, emotions, quotes, pinpoints of light - until i burst at the seams and release it all and then resume to filling.

i know it's probably not the healthiest way to live a life. i've been told that this can even lead to a lot of mystery illnesses, even cancer. the stress of absorbing everything, no matter how grave or grandiose - without so much as a tantrum.... all to explode on one day when i toss it all aside and start afresh, clean slate.

so i cut all communication with this boy, who had called himself my boyfriend, but he was never my boyfriend. it was so complicated. i knew i wasn't ready for a relationship, but he was. he was so ready he would have even accepted my noncompliance just to have me there. i said that's not fair. i can't take that responsibility and that guilt of knowing that he loves me unconditionally and i can't say the same to him.

i told it like this: he has certain things in his life, goals, that he needs to reach. and they are straightforward and the outcome is easy to determine. the to-do list would look like this:
1. gain financial independence.
2. establish a home, car, life in a new state.
3. go back to school and obtain a degree to use after the navy.
4. finish the navy.

all of those things have a set timeline, a definitive outcome.

my to-do list, on the other hand, would go a little something like this:
1. figure out how to discover who i am - can i figure this out without any information about paternal family??
2. gain more confidence in myself, even without knowing my "other half" - fulfill that half with the overflow of what i do about the half i have access to.... i can't be in a relationship, compromise and give half of myself, if all i have is HALF!!!!
3. realize that this is the skin i'm in, and become comfortable with that - enough so that i can put myself in the spotlight without feeling uncomfortable. this means i will need to be a little uncomfortable at first, and throw myself out there - gain experience.
4. delve into the cavernous realm of My Emotions.... they remain SUCH a mystery to me i often times ignore them, cut them out, shut them off.. i realize now that i am emotionally retarded. growing up i just never was given the same foundation that other kids were given by default. even a kid who's father was in jail, dead or deadbeat.... had more of a father than i did. that's fuckin sad. it does make me angry just to think about it, i have to keep in touch with that - it's an emotion.... i can't just let the water filter through and let the sharp objects settle at the bottom. i need to cleanse myself completely of all of this.
5. maintain celibacy until i am either married or determined to have a child no matter what my circumstances. this is more of a "not to-do list" item, but hey, i don't think it helped matters in the relationship arena: HELLO, how do you HAVE a relationship when i have this grander goal in mind???? the goal of Self-Preservation. in order for me to become whole again(?), i will need to reclaim that lost youth, innocence, virtue that i gave away so easily 10 years ago. it's been a long time coming, but i've finally realized how empowering it is to be sex-free.... nothing compares to that feeling of being able to answer the dentist's pre-x-ray screening: "Is there any chance you may be pregnant?" with a resounding "No." and know it for a fact.

and so, you see - my list is a little more ethereal than his. so how can i think it fair to make him stick around with me and vice versa? he could obtain his goals: 1, 2, 3 just like that - but what about mine? mine are like, conundrums in themselves. and i guess what i'm realizing now is- i could never accomplish my goals as long as i have somebody by my side picking up the slack, telling me i'm perfect... . i don't need words. i need to know for myself that i'm perfect.

and i am. i just haven't fully convinced myself of that yet. i'm working on it, i'm just that hard of a shell to crack.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?