dondestoy, where am i ??2004-11-23 @ 11:46 a.m..... i officially have no bearings. i am off the map. i am pioneering through unchartered territory. i have absolutely ninguna idea que estoy haciendo.... i'm speaking in tongues. .... they say that when you ask the universe for something, you need to be really specific or else you will be inundated with tests and varying degrees of what you asked for. i know that i am flirting with danger right now. i could be laying the brickwork for some heavy times. some heart-wrenching times. some dragging through the mud. ... why would i do that to myself?? why am i intrigued?? is it because i see some sort of value in A--'s opinion of me and whether or not he likes me? ....or is it because i like him? how can i even tell if i have been suppressing my emotions for so long that i can't really recognize what they feel like and what they mean anymore?? i feel like a heavily armored animal who is about to be pried from her shell.... my body aches like i am going through entire body growing pains. what's this all about? is it because he asks the right questions and listens to the answers and analyzes them?? he really pushes my buttons. pushes me to feel - the one thing i've been hiding from, scared, for the past year. we talk about things no one has ever wanted me to talk about before. it kind of hurts. last night we broached the subject of sexual history and i couldn't believe that mine was more sordid than his (after labelling him a player). i was almost jealous of his precautious nature and the fact that he felt that he had reason to sexually connect with all 3, yes 3, of his partners, who were all long-term relationships. meanwhile i have a checkered past that even i don't understand and sometimes i disassociate with it b/c although it made me who i am today, it doesn't always represent my frame of mind.... most times i was so in hate with myself i would let myself get into some precarious situations.... i'm not trying to get all detailed and graphic. but a lot of the things i have been through, i haven't adequately dealt with in order to let go of the pain and the disgust, the feeling of being used, the emptiness, the search for identity, the lack of self-esteem, misguided view of self-worth.... maybe i should write it out. i mean i wrote a lot in paper journals while i was going through whatever i was going through. but now that i have some perspective.... hmm..... .... so i came to the conclusion today that he may be the one man that challenges me enough to grow into the complete woman that i strive to be.
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