2004-11-22 @ 3:40 p.m.....

so here's the deal with this dude, A--:

after he basically hung up on me the other night, i was hurt. but i swallowed my bruised ego and moved on. painted my bedroom. went crazy with the books. and i figured that if A-- couldn't make me feel the way M--- makes me feel, then he's not worth my time anyway. because no matter what the credentials of a man, it all boils down to the way he makes you feel.

i had just gotten to the point where i was about 90% done painting my room last night, and simultaneously was about 90% over the fact that this guy had totally carried me.... convincing myself that it's not the end of the world if a guy doesn't like me.... when Bam: he calls.

i was genuinely shocked to shit.

suddenly all those desires of wanting to be liked and wanting to be interesting enough to talk to came flooding back. he told me he was sorry for acting childish. that he was trying to prove a point: that he could apologize for saying something rude. i don't know. i mean, he got me to think about a lot of things in different ways. it's always good to think. and he does seem interested in My Journey.... but. what get's me most?? the fact that he swears i'm the most beautiful person on earth (i know, shallow right? after all my talk about not wanting to be approached based on appearances??), that he swears i am the most interesting, thought-provoking, intriguing woman he's ever met (i thought i already knew this?? why is it news coming from him??), that he wants to talk to me every minute of every day but keeps holding back b/c he's not sure if i'm really interested in him (hey, i'm not even sure if i am or not!), that he tells me he respects my point of views and that the more he talks to me, the more he likes me.

why do i care?? i even went into it last night. talking about how i didn't expect him to call me back ever again (to which he responded, "i couldn't not call you back. i had to sit down the entire weekend on my vacation and analyze everything about you in order to call you back and really get to the bottom of this. i want to know more about you. i want to talk to you. i really like you and i care for you- that's never going to change").... and i was like, word? you like me?? you really like me??? i probably even giggled and blushed like a stupid idiot. even though i know that i should be more concerned with whether or not i am being a good person and not so much about being a likable person....

i dunno. i can see this being potentially hazardous to my health. i'm scared. because right now he is in nyc and i'm 300 miles away and we are just talking shit on the phone. deep shit, but shit nonetheless. and from this perspective i can see that getting involved with him might be potentially dangerous to my self-esteem and a bad idea.

but the flip side is this: it might do everything for my self-esteem. it might be that, as he stated he was going to do, he restores my faith in men as a viable companion.

i've been so anti-men lately. it's not even a i-might-turn-to-girls thing, b/c i don't think i could handle them either. i mean, i am one. but men, as simple as they are, confuse the fuck outta me. and i guess it's cuz i just haven't had many around most of my life.

i mean, my brother's pretty much an exception to the rule and i can't base what most mend would do on him, b/c he's like a martyr man. and my stepfather (bob, it's weird to even call him stepfather he's so far removed from me....)was never present at my mother's request. the world of men to me has been some sort of hazy mystery. like one would stumble across my path, see me and become attracted to me, talk to me and realize i have a lot of substance, then proceed to try and pry their way into my life (and i generally push and shove in resistance, unless i kinda like them, in which case the pushing and the shoving doesn't come til later when i realize something's been missing. something. but what??).

up to this point, i really haven't taken it upon myself to be choosy. although, i could be very choosy according to what everyone's telling me about myself. but inside of me, i don't feel that strong sense of self-worth, so it's hard for me to connect to what people see in me.

the one time i chose. well two times. but the first time my friend knew i liked a boy and did us shy folk a favor by setting us up. the second time, i took all matters into my own hands. that was with Navy Boy, today is his birthday. i'm trying not to leave him in the cold, but i have to. because what i thought i wanted, turned out to not be complete enough.

maybe if i had the energy i could have made it complete without having to break us up.

but i want it to just feel right. to feel natural. like it does with M---. and it's funny b/c a lot of his physical characteristics are clearly not what i have asked for in the past. he's the exact opposite, and yet completely the same to my image of perfection. and his habits, like smoking and drinking, so do not fall in line with my own and what i would ask for in a mate.... but yet all of this falls by the wayside when i think of him as a complete person. his intelligence, his manners, his depth, his wit, his nature, his humor.... his kindness. he just makes me feel so damn good.

and that's saying a lot. cuz i'm obviously a mess. i'm sorry for ranting about boys nonstop. but when i decided that i needed more positive male influences in my life, that's exactly what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna weed thru it all. i'm gonna weed thru.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?