2004-11-19 @ 11:20 a.m.....

once again i had two very different experiences (good and bad) last night:

first i met this guy J--- at the clothing drive and it was great. i think it was one of the most chill bar scenes i have ever been at. the bartender was flirting it up with me and kept serving me monster-sized drinks and shots. making me more sociable than my normal quiet, observant self and making it easier to conversate with the new "friend".. he's hella chill. i hope we can hang as friends soon before he leaves for SE Asia in January. my girl's first impression was that he was gay, but after talking to him he might not be and i may or may not have caught his eye. i don't really care. like i said i just need positive men in my life who are not boyfriends and not trying to get anything physical and/or emotional from me.

but we had to leave him wanting more, if that was the case, b/c my girl's friend's birthday dinner was later. since i was slightly toasted by that time (thanks to aforementioned bartender i will call Thursday Thom), we hopped a cab for the ten blocks to one of The Chillest, most comfortable, tapas-style, Mediterranean joints in the city. this place is the best kept secret. i'm taking my ass there if i ever decide to start dating or something.... the Beef Tenderloin w/date sauce is TO-DIE-FOR, my mouth is watering just thinking of it, that and the Spinach and the Orzo. Oh. My. Shit. That meal was great. i love a place where you can recline and suck your teeth and just relish the tastes and ambience..... oh yeah and the waiter, Keenan, was FINE as all getout too.....

so all of this is culminating into a great evening.... or so i thought.

tables turned when i had just gotten home, changed clothes, and was ready to pass out in contentment.... This Guy A------ called, the guy i met at the club last week, in nyc.... the one i thought was running game. hard.

he calls and suddenly has a Whole Lot To Say, talking all types of deep shit, reminiscent of Him (M---), except more cocky, and borderline preachy at times. but regardless, i was shocked b/c he was actually a kinda deep dude, even if he was maybe a little too aware of that fact..... anyway we're talking, talking, talking..... talking a lot o' shit. getting really deep on my situation and why he would wanna holla at little ol' me. what i'm looking for. what the point of life is (one of my fave. subjects). to quote him, "we were all put here on earth to be our own Gods.... as you become a leader for yourself, you become a leader for the whole world...." some deep shit. and i'm feeling it. but my mind can't get over the fact that a. he was shady at the club, b. his boys were HELLA shady at the club, c. he didn't call for 5 days which is a sure sign of game.

so the question was asked: "so why did you even give me your number then? if you knew i was approaching you on the basis of attraction. i mean, we were at a club and i tried to holla, you know the deal. you know what it's all about. and now i'm telling you that the more i talk to you, the more i'm going to catch feelings for you and you're telling me you "can't get into anything emotional or physical right now"?? i feel like this is a big waste of time and energy."

what can i say? this analysis by the end of our conversation really bruised me. because with dudes it always comes down to their attraction and their unwillingness to accept that i cannot base my own feelings on strict physicalities or emotions right now. i'm emotionally retarded. and i need help. at this stage it won't help to jump into yet another form of a long-distance relationship.

truth be told i gave him my number for a couple of reasons: 1. he looks and acts a little like my cute-ass Navy Boy that i wonder every day if i did the right thing cutting him off.... 2. i was intrigued by his whole stance on race 3. i felt like we could have a decent conversation outside of the club atmosphere and that i could get some questions answered about him.

but like i said our conversation took a turn for the worse. and he was blown. and i was bruised. and i don't think he wants to ever talk to me again. which sucks. it's giving me a mini-complex about the fact that dudes seem to be obsessed with my physical appearance..... like to the point where they go crazy if they can't "have" me. i mean, if i tell you from the jump that i'm not about to get involved, why can't he stick around and ignore attraction, like me???? i can cut my emotions off like a light switch. i know that's not normal and that i have to work on it if i ever want to settle down....

i'm trying to convince myself that he's not worth this trouble or return to self-doubt. that his whole tone and demeanor was more like a preacher than a teacher. and that even if he did want to school me, i tend to rebel hard and fast to .... dun da da dunnnn.... OLDER MEN. see, i told you i have issues with older men. and this guy A- was the same age as my brother.... 28, the age that i think will be the age when i finally know what's up and have all my ducks in a row. if i'm still this much of a mess at 28, i will have to slap myself.

i can't believe that i started this diary to focus all on me, soltera, solamente yo, pero ahora i find myself distracted easily and naming forty different boys a minute.

in my own defense, i do feel like i need this groundwork to be laid out so that i can function as a normal human being in society later on. i definitely do need to build these platonic friendships with dudes in order to re-program myself as far as how i view men (negatively, about 90% of the time, very negatively)....

and i wouldn't want to conclude this rant about men without mentioning how much deeper in love i am with M--- now after this mini-experiment with Truth........ i love his mind. i love the way i felt so comfortable talking to him about my thoughts and ideas, stuff that had been pent up for YEARS.... it just flowed so naturally and when he would respond or broach a new subject, it was with ease and there was none of this braggery or cock-suredness..... which is what makes me hate most men in the first place, that they automatically label women as irrational and emotional.

i know, i know. i have such issues. any suggestions???? feel free to drop me a line.....

(thanks to less-than3 for the inspiration, i will be reading shortly!!)

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?