2004-11-18 @ 1:08 p.m.....

for part one: clique aqui.

There were two scenarios that went down last week:

Scene 1 - A dude approached me at a club and told me I was beautiful. He wondered if I was down to "hang out".. Although I was flattered, I wanted to know more. I am through with accepting people's advances based solely on physical attraction. Dude turned out to be hella suspect. Although I did give him my real number, strictly for my own amusement since there were several questions I was interested in asking him before I would tell him not to call me anymore.... for being as infatuated as he acted that night, he didn't call me until a full 5 days later. that's straight up game, no chaser. i've been giving him the runaround ever since. sucka.

Scene 2 - I met a guy that I have been crushing on here on d-land forEVER, like literally since the day I signed up when i just so happened to stumble across his page and fell HARD. I honestly truly have NEVER been in love with someone's mind like that EVER in my life. i knew from his writing that i just loved everything from the way he thinks to the way he writes, to the way he speaks, carries himself.... everything.

but i was so scared to meet him. i dind't even dare to email him./ i didn't want to ruin the dream. that's why it took 1 1/2 years. and a friend to do the legwork.

because i was content just reading him. admiring from afar.

but to meet him. damn. i mean i 'm saying it is a really good thing that i have been doing all this growing since i joined d-land. if i hadn't come to some of the groundbreaking conclusions about myself that i have over the years, or if i hadn't started reading The Way of the Wizard when i did.... i know i wouldn't have been able to hang. i guess part of me was scared that that little girl hiding behind her fortress would ruin my chances of having a decent conversation with this guy.

and i just knew that he was one of those people i wanted to have in my life.

so here's the deal: he has a girl. she's a temporary girl, though, still a girl, because he's moving to LA in a few months and she's not going with him.

now, I have been toying with the idea of moving to the west coast for quite some time, although not LA, mayhaps San Diego.....

so things are not entirely out of the question. i just didn't want to get all involved in something over the weekend that would a. complicate things b/t him and his girl, b. complicate things b/t us.

and besides, on the surface there really is no physical attraction. but damn if i can now say that that doesn't mean a gotdamn thing in my book anymore. all of my physical preferences, null and void when put in the arena with this young man's mind. i guess in the long run maybe it could be a probleM? i don't really know. i do know that when i was physically attracted to previous boys who did NOT live up to my need for mental stimulation.... they got dropped pretty quick. so i don't know how it would work in reverse. i don't even know if i'm his physical type, i seem to be quite different from his current girlfriend and what he's stated as his physical type....

when my girl started emailing him, telling him we would be in town. i said, "shit, what am i gonna talk about?" she said, "don't worry about that, i'll do the talking, you just do what you do best and be cute"..... in stark contrast..... i don't think it mattered one iota how cute i was (or was not - i met up with him after an 8 hour day at work, 3 hours playing w/my 1 year old niece, an hour in the airport, an hour in the air, an hour at The Spot..... no matter how hard i tried, i was definitely NOT as cute as i coulda been). because when we met up, it was like, instant connection b/t our minds. it was unreal. forget about my friend doing the talking. we were talking talking, silence (which is fine with me) then talking talking again.....

here's what gets me: we know everything about each other already. but we could talk for DAYs (and did) monopolizing each other's times..... like wow. so he admires my writing, i admire his.. it's a mutual respect, attraction, whatever. and yet, he knows all my weakneses, faults, the fact that i'm not ready for a relationship. the fact that i swoon over some boys. the fact that i drop some like bad habits. the fact that i have straight-up ISSHAS with men as a result of my father-less childhood....

i wonder if we could ever cross these boundaries. i'm still amazed that we have thus far.

.....

i swear.... i probably sound like a boy crazy fool. but seriously, i am so in love with that man's mind i don' t know waht to do with myself@!!! everything else pales in comparison: dude i had on my mind from LA, breaking up with L---, my issues with men.... with him i feel like i can just be myself, be appreciated, be listened to, be on equal footing....

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?