2004-10-18 @ 1:07 p.m.....

yes, i've been MIA for a while. i had to go find myself and that means venturing far, far, farrrr from home....

my 4th trip to the west coast this year.

i learn new things with each and every trip.

usually i write down every single detail in my other diary.

but there are a few things i don't dare make mention of over there that i need to get off my chest in here.

so here goes:

no matter what i try to do - no matter how hard i try, i cannot get this certain person out of my head. he is a friend of my friend. i've been in this situation before. where my girlfriend lists off all of the RATIONAL reasons why i shouldn't give a second thought to a guy like that.... and i KNOW each and every single reason why NOT to like him and yet still i find my mind curiously wandering back to thoughts of him. it's abso-fuckin-lutely driving me insane. i know so much better than to get involved in a potentially drama-filled relationship.... so why am i fantasizing about it working out between us somewhere along the line? huh?? it makes no damn sense. it's just NOT rational. all i can do is be thankful for my friend for separating us when i'm out there and the 3,000 miles separating the two of us right now. cuz i honestly can't say i could be so strong as to resist his charm....

damn.

i mean really, damn. he's got some kinda hold on me even as i am explaining to myself right this very instant alllll of the things - the warning signs - that i learned from past [horrible] experiences.... even as i list the reasons why NOT to fall, i'm falling. i daydream about him hacking into my friend's phone and finding my number. or about him looking me up sometime when he rolls through.

i can't believe i'm even spilling this. but who else can i tell? not my friend [who also writes in here] cuz she would fly out here and seriously whoop my mixed-up behind. because it's so damn obvious how wrong he is for me:

1. he's too old [past mistake #1 and 7] and i would start viewing him as a father figure in the relationship.
2. he's too social and i would get insanely insecure about what girl he was be-friending for the night [this is not a past mistake, but i can totally see this happening] i just haven't become the social butterfly i have the potential to be and i still have an inferiority complex along with self-damning abandonment issues.
3. he's too experienced [past mistake #1, 2 and 6] ie. i know things about his sexual history that would put me in all kindsa trouble. that's NEVER good.
4. he's just too cute. like, he smiles and the world smiles with him and wants to be in on his jokes. damn him. this may be new ground for me - i often find myself going for less-than-attractive guys in the classic sense, b/c i don't think of myself in that way, and i don't want to be intimidated by my mate.... but yet i covet the classic beauty. whoa is me.
5. he has a daughter. [mistake #3]okay?? i don't think i'm ready to be the next broke-down britney spears stepmom type.
6. he has ex-girlfriend DRAMA> [mistake #6] i mean all the bitches want him back and he kind of leads them to believe that he is/may be available to them.
7. he's a performer and therefore has - groupies [mistake #1].
8. he talks a good game [mistake #1, 6]. i mean, this time around i knew he was trying to put it on my and my friend was laughing it off. he has snuck kisses on more than one occasion but always so fast i don't know whether i was just imagining things or what. but in the back of my mind i always will have to wonder who else is he trying this on??

alright. have i exhausted the possibilities yet?
no.
why?
oh why?
because i still see his smile. feel his embrace. see his eyes staring intently into mine. i still feel those random stolen kisses. oh and my last day was sposed to be spent relaxing at his house but he fell asleep and didn't hear us calling/knocking on the door.... so he offered to make dinner for us. but it was too late :( and all i can think of is what might have happened? in that type of atmosphere? would i have had a chance to really get to know him??

somehow someway i still manage to be swept all up in the possibilities.

it's a damn shame.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?