asi mismo2004-10-18 @ 1:45 p.m..... {The following is an adaptation from my �other� diary as tribute to my newest favorite diaryland person.} brother's got this complex occupation.... for those who do not know me, let this be a warning that you may find out a big chunk of who i am by reading the following antecdote. and it may just surprise you: i don't know how it happened. some twist of cosmic coincidence led me to go out to the refrigerator for a midnight snack, sit down on the couch and turn on elimidate (or as the freaky voiceover guy says, "elimidaaayyyyyyyte"). and then during a commercial i flipped through the channels. and for seemingly no reason at all i stayed on letterman. for no reason other than i briefly thought, is that ben stiller? that's all. i'm not even a particular fan of ben stiller, but who knows, everything is pre-written anyway. there was a pre-aligned force causing me to stay on letterman, let's just leave it at that. it took me about 5 seconds before i was completely consumed by what the guest was explaining. all of a sudden i was in this bubble where only he and i existed: he, being physicist brian greene and talking about the string theory, and me, soaking it up like it was necessary for my survival. i hung on to every word, i felt for his enthusiasm, and before me i saw his theory put into practice: tiny filaments were shooting out of the tv screen from his hands, in constant motion while describing his thoughts, straight to my unblinking eyes. this is what i'm talking about. these are my ideas. someone else is having them too, why can't i be there on the frontline with him? i mean, A- you have art & history, always good, C- you have chemistry & psychology, always cool, and Me- i am mathematics [& languages]. always thinking. this is my shit. i'm not talking everyday multiply, divide, fractions bullshit. although i'm good with numbers, please that's what a calculator's for. i'm talking about the math that builds things. calculus, number theory, to infinity and beyond.... these are the things i used to contemplate every day. but yet here i am, in a field that encourages the deadening of the brain. nothing to do with my strengths. if this were a quality-based society (instead of quantity, quantity, quantity) then we would each be cultivated to use our strengths for the benefit of our own sense of self, but more importantly for that of others. how did this guy get to be where he is? this is something i need to find out and pursue. but i'm scared. because these talents for questioning the universe have always been so natural to me, and how exactly do you put this on a resume? i am going to read this book, hopefully that will get me back into my contemplative mode. the one where i get excited by the idea that math is in everything, it's everywhere, it's you & it's me, it's music, it's the ocean, it's the moon, it's the one thing constant and that which ties everything together. i'm already half-way there, thinking how this job is such bullshit and i really can't stand it much longer. and no, i'm not talking your typical complain, moan & bitch about your job- i'm talking this shit ain't me. and i gotta do me.
{the following was adapted from a scribble i wrote late last night} when i'm alone. i write. when i'm alone. as i write, translating the thoughts in my brain to the page in front of me, i have to keep in mind that with translation, something is inevitably lost. always. i think that's why a lot of the time i stay silent. i learned a long time ago how powerful words were and that the wrong ones could explode in your face. and does anyone every really say the right words? i mean, are they ever really right? correct? true? on point? if it feels that way to you -the reader- than the writer's job is done. but a writer's job is never done. i totally forgot about the most impressive part of brian greene's interview on letterman the night before last. the part that made me go: "ooh". dave asked him: what about this phenomena where it feels like time is either passing more slowly or quickly? is that real? response: time is subjective. but there is a point where it no longer is. for instance, let's say you could hover over a black hole, maybe 1/2 inch from the edge (because you don't want to get sucked into the vortex and lose yourself completely)- if you were successful at hovering there for 1 year, then returned back to earth- 10,000 years would have passed. think of the evolution that would occur in that time, time you experienced in only 1 year. now for me, this represents a lot. it's verifies my ideas about the cyclical nature of the patterns throughout history. i always felt like certain people were here before, had a job to do, fulfilled a certain role. will be back again. for example, there have always been "jesus"-like figures. throughout history. this is just one of many examples but think about it: this embodiment of so many people's beliefs keeps reappearing in different forms. but who's to say that it is really a different person every time? maybe i will lose all of my fans with this point, but i have always believed in reincarnation. i always believed jesus was the same as buddha was the same as allah was the same as jah was the same as .... well the list goes on whatever your faith, please feel free to fill in the blank. these are just off the top. anyway, who's to say that this spirit does not have the capability of hovering at the tip of a black hole and reappearing on earth - and who's to say that the historical descriptions are even accurate. everyone should believe in something that embodies themselves, because everyone should believe in themselves- first and foremost. you are you and you are here. now. believe in it. i think i've totally strayed from my point, but that is what i started out saying. everything comes full circle.
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