2004-10-19 @ 11:05 a.m.....

my family thinks i'm psycho. oops, did i already mention that in here? well, they still do.

for some odd reason even though i told my mother i would be going on vacation in october - more than told her, we had an actual give-and-take conversation about it - even though we talked extensively about it, she still found it in herself to freak out and call everyone i know asking where i was. everyone except for ME.

i'm still getting calls asking, "are you alright? did you call your mother and tell her you're okay?"

no, i didn't have to. she finally did decide to call me for herself and find out that i was fine.

i worked my ass off this september, i deserved a break. but she still decides to stress me out and take away that blissful on-vacation vibe.

the thing is - also - that she and my brother are extremely judgemental about the way i live my life. i thought that this conversation had shed a little light on the subject for her, but apparently not. she still took it upon herself to call my brother and tell him EVERYTHING - thereby putting him in the position of worrier and problem-solver. so he calls me and lectures me about, EVERYTHING:

1. You should start taking classes NOW while you're still young. Then you should start making moves to the next level in your career.
2. You should develop some hobbies that you can do in your city so you can meet friends with the same interests.
3. You should go on more dates. Meet a man the "normal way" and make sure he lives nearby.
4. You should stop wasting your money traveling and start investing in more property.

What the Shit????

After i hung up the phone with him (after gratuitously promising that i would "get started right away" on what he was asking me to do....yeah right) i sat down and watched the rest of Extreme Home Makeover and balled my eyes out - i was pushed even further into self-doubt and it prompted me to write this in my other journal:

....

far from home
10-04-2004

it never fails. i find myself crying silently over the extreme home makeover reveal EVERY TIME.

i don't think of myself as that much of a sentimental person - but damn if they don't pick some of the most gracious people to have their wildest dreams come true.

so when are they gonna do me?

anywho- i've been thinking a lot about a lot lately. things that i know i want in life. but things that i'm just not ready for.

i'm not ready for a home in the traditional sense of having my own house/property to look after. i like the fact that i live in a building with other people and that all of the general upkeep of the building is covered by my coop association. even though i hate the gossiping, the back-biting and the general bureaucrazy of the bunch - i'm glad they're there. even though i feel like my closets are gonna burst with all my collections of randomness - i'd rather clean them out and have less stuff than move into a bigger, more solitary home.

i'm not ready for love. i'm so the opposite of that song. i realize this now. i'm not ready b/c even though i'm all for the receiving of the love - i don't have much to give back yet. i haven't gained access to that wealth of emotion that is locked deep within my heart somewhere. and before i can allow someone else to tap into that - i need to get the key for my damn self. i need to be ready to love me before i can extend that to others. i thought i was ready, but clearly am not.

with that comes the fact that i'm not ready for a relationship. not a real one, anyway. i realize now why i attract boys - well, they are at my same level right now. maybe not on the independence tip, but on the emotional level they are. b/c if they were independent enough - they'd be ready for more of a long-term relationship than i am. and that just wouldn't match up. so i am cool with the long-distance, the brevity of contact, the detachedness of this whole thing. cuz that's all i'm ready for.

i'm not ready to leave my job. i've been faking that since day one. i could never just up and leave. i need more stability than that. i'm not even ready to begin thinking about my next step yet. i need to look inwards at the internal before i can delve into what's going on externally....

i'm not ready to go back to school. once again, it's about the internal vs. external struggle. why would i want to learn about somebody else's life, some ancient history, some new mathematics, some old philosophies, some chemical equation, some writer's pain - when i don't know enough about ME to relate to any of that?

what i'm embarking on in these last few months before the '04 is through:

an internal quest for truth and Knowledge Of Self. I may not have the most orthodox methods of unearthing the artifacts of my soul - i may seem to jetset to far corners of the earth rather than beginning at home - but it's my way.

sometimes, you just learn more about yourself when you are far from home.

....

Those were all of the things i had solidified in my mind when i had the conversation with my mom. so how did she take from that and go and tell my brother to tell me NOT to follow my heart, NOT to pay attention to my own internal longings, NOT to do what I NEED to do for myself????

WHY?

now they all think i'm crazy. b/c no doubt my mom called my brother and asked where the hell i was over the weekend. and no doubt he will call and be like: you were in LA again? what did we just talk about?

but i have been planning this trip for months now.... i needed a vacation!!!!

i planned it way before any of the conversations.

i guess i'll just have to go back to telling my mother what she wants to hear and doing things for myself from now on.

damn why do i always get suckered into thinking things have changed for the better?

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?