2004-10-07 @ 2:01 p.m.....

maybe i am crazy.

my mom thinks so and she and my brother have been having conferences about it.

i would hate to have to be an onlooker into my life. it's hard enough to make sense of it from the inside.

so they worry about me. and in turn that makes me worry.

all i want to do is make some change so that everyone can stop worrying.

but the truth is i'm absolutely positively scared. scared of change. scared of risk. scared of facing facts. people.

there's something missing inside of me. something that everybody else has that allows them to face the world with confidence and a secure sense of self.

i'm missing that and it shows right now.

i've been working so hard to try and build it up - i've been stepping out and taking risks.... but right now i just want to retreat. i'm too tired.

and having a semi-relationship on the long-distance tip is wearing thin. it's no longer single-note positive. and i can feel that i am dragging him down with me. b/c he tells me he loves me and i tell him that i simply can't say it back to him. i just don't feel it. not that he's not worthy. i'm sure that he is. i was even blissful for about 6 months's time. but....

my heart is just empty. wrung out and on the line to dry....

i just don't have it in me.

history shows that i might never....

i might never be able to give love.

wow.

well there is this disconnect b/t my mind and heart. if my mind gets ahold of something, it will work it to death - always calculating, questioning, analyzing.... making my heart fade into the shadows.... so that i can't even access my emotions if i tried.

i tried manual override. nothing. my mind is a supercomputer that will not be stopped.

so i don't know if it's going to be self-defeating. i don't know if i will ever be able to convince my mind to relinquish control over my spirit and just let it feel something for once. let me follow my heart.

lord knows it's been neglected this long.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?