2004-09-28 @ 4:35 p.m.....

i'm so uninspired to write lately. this was supposed to be the place i could come and write all the things i couldn't write in my "popular girl" journal. but i feel like i already said all i can say. well. not really. i'm just so stuck on this particular subject it's like i'm whining about it continually and i'll never stop unless i STOP.

ehh.

i guess i'm crazy.

anyway i have to write about it now cuz i'm thinking about it:

while i was walking into work today, wearing a new outfit, looking well put together.... in fresh crisp clothes and the perfect fall boots.... i felt weird. i always feel weird when i look my 'best'. i see the way people look at me. impressed. maybe even envious (the older lady wearing her workout gear at the elevator)- here i am, young, slender athletic build, tall, and well i just know i got it going on today.

but that's all on the outside.

and i know this. but nobody else could ever know.

walking down the hallway i keep my head down. i hate looking people in the eye as we pass. even if i know them. i hate to have to come into contact with the security guards, chit-chat, smile.... even though they're sweet and it's their job. i hate having people stare at me, thinking i've got it all, b/c i don't feel that way. it's almost the exact opposite going on just under the surface.

i mean, i know i'm incredibly lucky.

but i also know that i've been dealt a difficult, difficult hand in this life.

people just can't reconcile the way i look with the way that i feel. they can't believe that i had a rough childhood, that i've ever had to struggle, that i've ever looked in the mirror and wanted to change absolutely EVERYTHING. i mean damn, everybody has their insecurities, but mostly they have some reason. and they don't know any better.

me, i do know better. i know that i shouldn't complain. and it's not even that i am. it's just that i want to understand and actually fix this problem of mine. these antisocial tendencies. the complete disalignment b/t the way i look and the way i feel. cuz that is what affects the way i act.

i act like a complete lunatic sometimes. just to avoid ....

everything.

and then there are times when i meet people and they're so wonderful i wonder why i ever vowed not to talk to strangers ever ever again.

and i wonder why i make it so hard for people to get to know the real me.

and i wonder sometimes, who that even is.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?