2004-12-03 @ 11:56 a.m.....

so look right suddenly this is the only place i ever want to express myself because it's the only place i feel completely safe.

my other diary is.... tainted.

so in here, i write the goings on in the mind of a crazy, confused, mixed girl. without a clue in the world.

i am in the midst of feeling like i'm turned inside out right now. like all of my major organs have been cut in half and reversed, like popping the sections out of an orange or a grapefruit.....

my stomache - has never known butterflies like these. mammoth monsters, with velvety textured wings fluttering against my innards.

my heart - is so squoze and yet so expanded at the same time. it's approximately 50 times it's normal size, pressing against the inside of my ribcage, beating with irregularity.

i feel like i am on a continuously looping roller coaster.

my fingers and toes are tingling. my arms and legs feel like dead weight.

my head. oh my head. it aches with the prospect of NOT being able to noodle this through. what are these feelings for? it asks?? it asks crazy questions at EVERY turn....

what will you say? what will you do? what will you wear?? how will you act?? will he..........

love you.

like he says he will.

why is it so important anyway?

i thought i was on a soloist journey. i thought i was on my own path to self-discovery. that i was all alone.

and here i am, contemplating the benefits and risks of wrapping up my (50x large) heart, and handing it over to someone i barely know.

and yet i know everything there is to know.

and yet i know

nothing.

i feel like a lunatic, so i'll stop. but this is the only place i can let these ideas go, let the chips fall where they may. i wrote once, about a feeling. and later was desensitized to it. i don't want to have to do that any more....

wait, i can't go yet, there's too much to explain. the fact that all of my emotions are inextricably tied together. i confuse love with hate, pain with pleasure, happiness with anger.... i discovered this last night, with the help of A--.... he really knows how to ask the right questions.

i need to break free from the shackles of my youth: those chains that bind my love, hate, anger toward my "parents".... those chains that make it easier for me to bring indifference to the table, rather than unpack all that cargo....

i am finally opening up to people. letting them know where I'm coming from.... it's hard. it's painful. i will those unshed tears back into their respective ducts with all my might with each word uttered that brings me closer to the truth.

i am sad. i am angry. i am in pain. but conversely, i am happy, i am forgiving, i am in bliss....

i need to separate these feelings. the definitions are there, but as far as what they mean to ME, that's something that i need to let happen.

i need to let love happen to me. as scared as i am of it. if i don't.... what will i become??

so many times i just wanted to retreat - it's easier to be a recluse than to deal with the world, isn't it?

but as A-- says, "if you're in pain, the world is in pain.... why would you want to hurt the world??"

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?