2004-12-06 @ 1:14 p.m.....

once again i went and did it.

i up and disappeared for the weekend. went to NYC to meet up with A-- in person. didn't have a plan. didn't really tell anyone.

crashed at my sister-from-another-mother's place while she was grieving with family in SI.

it felt so selfish of me. but a girl's gotta do....

so i allowed myself to be wined and dined. b/c my mama said that's what i should be doing.

i can't lie, i had a great time. a little wine, a little dancing, a little food, a little kissing....

there are warning flags all over the place though. there are always warning flags with me.

warning: he only likes to go places where he knows he'll get the hookup. this leads me to believe that he would suffer through a bad scene, simply b/c that was the place he could get in for free that night. some things are worth just paying the price though, you know?

warning: he doesn't really like to walk. anywhere. is this a sign of laziness?

warning: his hands are softer than mine. he hasn't done a minute's manual labor in his life. pampered much? by 4 older sisters and his mother?? definitely. i don't want a pampered man! i want a man who pampers me.

warning: he made mention of not having to pay bills. at first i thought that he shared an apt. with his older brother (16 years older, i believe).... but seems like maybe it's his mother's apt. and/or his brother's.... and he's just staying there. apparently even his mom bought him his (twin) bed.... so what is he doing to exhibit independence (one of my most prized attributes)??

warning: he's extremely conscious of other people- what they are doing, looking at, etc. look at me, fool. that was the thing, he was looking everywhere but at me. when questioned, he was shy, blushing, and said that i was seducing him with my eyes. (what?! can't we have a conversation face-to-face?! am i really that.... seductive when not trying to be??)

i don't know. i can be nit-picky. i can be searching for a reason not to pursue something that seems so .... unlikely? un-something, i can't think of the word.

the truth is, as my friend's mom said on the ride home: "you put your all in something and then you get bored very quickly.... just test the waters, dip your toes in". but my friend said, "she don't believe in that, she be skinnydippin...."

yea. i see it. i put my all in. i let someone "in" and then they realize who i am, what i stand for, what i have to offer.... and they fall for me. they fall HARD. they tell me in no uncertain terms that i am The One. they make plans for.... us. and meanwhile i question, i detach, i get bored. i move on. my mind goes somewhere else.... even if my body stays longer, for whatever reason.... for "safety's sake" or whatever.

but i'm already gone by then.

BEFORE- i was extremely nervous, i was extremely anxious, i was extremely worried that i wouldn't measure up to my own reputation/image of perfection. i don't know why that would even concern me, me- who is a very casual, laid-back, not really interested in material things or superficial things.... why would all of this stress me out to the point of confusion? only to every single time, be showered with compliments, even admired for my calm, cool, collectedness when actually in the situation?

i think i have some type of social anxiety. not so much at the time of a social situation as in the preparation of it. i've been jumping into these situations head first lately, trying to overcome this fear. but it only ends up in giving me heightened heart palpatations and knots in the stomach..........

over the phone with A--, i would get the feeling like he was the one with the upper hand. like everything he said was in an effort to "teach" me something. i am always a ready and willing pupil, although i don't take well to being "preached" to....

but in person. man, i had the total upper hand.

he was like putty in my hands.

i had NO idea i had that much power. but come to think of it.... i always have.

i just never realized it.... never actualized it and never utilized it.

i don't know what to do with that kind of power. it's almost daunting. in fact, it is because i have a responsibility that goes along with power. am i using it for good.... or evil??

all my life i've been searching for undivided attention from men. in my own weird way. searching for it, still searching.... funny thing though, i receive it ALL the time. i just don't recognize it. or maybe, i even despise it. because i despise what men stand for - in my own definition of definitions. as they represent a negative image in my mind. so i receive all of this attention. i hear all of these things. every day. if i wanted to i could have a guy tell me a compliment every hour on the hour all day long if not more. i have guys in my life willing to do that. but why don't i believe in it?

why don't i believe in myself?

i've proven myself time and time again. in LA, in NY, in Chicago, in Miami....

even in my own rinky dink town, in DC.

maybe i'm broken and i can't be fixed.

What i do like about A-- that can't be shaken: the fact that he has taken the time to really understand where i'm coming from. that he thinks about me, my situation, and why i do things the way i do.... i think that his attraction to me gets in the way sometimes.... but he really does give me insight into myself. it's like he strives to make me accept myself and ultimately become a better person.

just thinking about these things about myself and talking about them with him, have made me change for the better, i think.

i just don't know if he's The One. and i'm not sure if i would necessarily be ready if he were....

i wasn't even on a search for The One. i know that's the way these things happen sometimes, but.... wouldn't it hit me with unquestionable ferocity if he were actually The One?

so i'm really not sure if - if this can or will evolve into something more serious. i need to take my time. he's impatient (another warning), but he said that he's learning patience from me (sign that he is also becoming a better person from knowing me....).

i just need more time. i don't want to fall into another relationship that i'm just going to have to end for no reason, simply because i can't imagine the future. or b/c i dont want to. or b/c i'm just bored.

he said, he can imagine a future with me. that he pictures us growing old together.

i can't see that. am i wrong????

i think i'm just scared to put any energy in imagining the future.

imagine this: as a little girl i imagined that my real parents would find me, like orphan annie, and whisk me away to the perfect world i came from. that's where all my energy was.

but i was constantly cut down by my mother's lies and coverups. my imaginary world was taken away image by image.

living life on the edge, i would live for the moment, live for the past, never for the future.

right now, no future. past 2 relationships, no futures. i think that's why i ended them. b/c i couldn't see the future, and i didn't want to be locked into anything.

i feel like that caged bird. such a cliche, but i do.

when i live for the present, though, i am actually attempting to re-write history.

even now, i think that's what i'm doing. trying to come at this from a historical perspective, trying to re-right history as well. make it work this time, well not so much work as to make it better. even if it doesn't work, at least i changed those mistakes that occurred in a previously similar scenario.

right? right.

and that's.... what it is.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?