2004-12-16 @ 2:00 p.m.....

i did trash the email right away without reading it. i figured it could only be racked with more guilt.

but after talking to my best friend, A---(let's call her.... Taurus from now on, b/c it was getting kinda silly with all the A's in my life) and she is always the one to give me fresh perspective, her interpretation of the 2nd email was that he was making a lame-ass attempt at being humorous about the whole thing./

which is entirely possible.

so for some self-deprecating reason i decided to read The Last Email. i was actually surprised by what i read:

Soltera,

That was, quite possibly, the worst possible response I could have ever hoped to get-- especially in the frame of mind I opened it--feeling like it couldn't be good.

I think I will seek professional help. That's advice NO one has given me yet, and seems to be good advice--thank you for taking the time to state the obvious.

I am sorry if I offended you.

Ernest

PS: Good Luck, Soltera. You're still the only person I've ever met who've I've thought had a chance at going through this world happy... I don't know why. I hope you deal with your issues... and are able to. I am sorry for being the stupid person that I am.

i'm still surprised. but not surprised enough OR convinced that i should ever ever EVER EVER EVVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRR establish a connection with him ever again in my lifetime. he makes his own attempts, that's his thing. maybe even purposefully terrorizes me in his own way. by subtly letting me know via a christmas card delivered to my job, that as a civil servant, the general public (including him) can access my whereabouts during the hours of 9-5 every single weekday.

but there was a reason why i never let him know where i lived. there was a reason why i never gave him my cell phone # when i moved.

no matter how much he reads my other journal, he will never know the REAL me. he could never even approach the concept. i am so much more than anyone on this planet will ever know.

i am.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?