2004-12-16 @ 10:37 a.m.....

there was an email in my inbox this morning, but i deleted it without reading it. i've had enough feeling guilty about this whole thing. i've resolved to think of this all as being a ploy just to get inside my life. to have a piece of me.

he never had me. he was a guy that i would escape from my everyday life with. i would listen to him and feel like i was helping somebody else.

he taught me how to cook a mean steak without a grill.

and that salmon, when cooked at the right temperature, dissolves its own pesky bones.

that's about it. he used to talk down to me about mathematics. as if i didn't or couldn't understand. and was surprised when i proved the exact opposite: oh, i do understand. i practically unraveled that shit.

he was a mini-booster club, trying to get me to do things that I wanted to do for me.... but at the same time - i think everything was just an attempt to be a part of me- which means Happiness and Smiles, Bright Skies and Birds Singing.

so many people have told me that i am the only one who can make their life better or worth living.

i've been wondering lately why this is. why i attract these people, who think that i'm their everything. and why it drives me nuts.

i guess that, if i'm here only knowing HALF of what the rest of the world knows about themselves.... and i can go on living without anything else to sustain me - so can you, punk mufucka.... seriously though, why if i only have half, do i always find myself giving and giving and giving away.... don't i see how i am depleting my own natural resources????

that's why i broke up with Navy Boy, that's why i'm scared to enter into a relationship with A-- (i need to come up with an appropriate moniker for him.... but i can only think of him as A--). that's why i'm scared. period.

because i don't know how to find, that other 50% of myself.

50%, where are you????

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?