2004-12-20 @ 12:20 p.m.....

growing up in my family, I only had 1 of everything:

1 parent
1 grandparent
1 sibling
1 sibling of a parent
1 cousin

when it came to making friends, i did so easily, but i only ever kept 1 best friend at any given time. i would focus so much energy on that 1 too, now i see why.

i've never had to divide up my feelings for people, they've always fit in these separate categories.

in college was the first time i experienced having more than 1 close friend. feeling differently, yet equally for each individual.

but i still have problems dividing up my time. i tend to let individuals monopolize my time. i enjoy it. i like one-on-one time. i prefer it to a crowd.

when i meet a guy, i concentrate so hard on him and him alone. there's never even a question of someone else being able to intercept.

my mom used to ask me why i did this - this equivalent to putting all of my eggs in one basket. i didn't understand why back then. but now i see it clearly.

i see it so clearly with A-- as all of the other nonsense i was drumming up falls by the wayside.

but i see my own limitations. i don't dare relinquish control at this point, because of my tendency to cut and run in the past. because of my short attention span. because i get bored easily.

i don't want to jump into a pattern right now only to have to back out later.... a struggle b/t my heart (that says "jump, already!") and my mind (that says "hold on, what's the backup plan here?") that has no intention of ending anytime soon.

crap.

so i hurt A--'s feelings with this information right now.

i hope this: that he is able to gain some perspective through his silence, maybe even ask somebody about why i'm doing what i'm doing.... to see that i am trying, that i am falling for him, and that i do want something to work out.

he told me on saturday night that, no matter what happens, he will be happy that he had this time w/me and that whatever happens, it was meant to happen the way it happens.

well, what happened to that? was he only saying that, hoping that what would happen would be what he wants to happen??

maybe. i just wish that if he does decide he can't wait for me, that he doesn't take away all that he's given me thus far.

so much knowledge, so much comfort, so much insight, so much love.

i guess that i just don't know how to accept love from a man. it's too powerful and confusing all at the same time.

i never had a control test. and by that i mean, i never had a father.//

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?