2004-12-20 @ 4:34 p.m.....

i don't know why over-extend myself to the point of exhaustion when it comes to family and friends.

it's like i'm constantly offering to do things that i know damn well are above and beyond expectations, out of my way, sometimes even against what i want and/or need to do.... but i do them anyway. maybe i get off on that shit.

maybe i'm scared that if i don't do all these things, i would be a worthless friend.

maybe i have a complex. in fact, i'm pretty sure i do. i want everyone to like me. nothing pleases me more. in fact, once i find out someone actually likes me, i get the greatest high in the world.

that's only normal, you might say.

but to the point where you set up scenarios just so that you can do something so incredibly great that this person will have no choice but to like you?

and what's with all the politeness? the shy act? the soft voice?

man, if i wasn't me, and i knew me, i'd hate me.

so it's no wonder that i'm always looking for affirmation.

dammit.

so we've seen what damage can be done as a result of my nicety. and yet here i sit, once again, with a stress/lack of sleep-induced backache and droopy eyelids.... a grey face and a frown.... on the brink of saying fuck it all, i just want to go to bed. but instead i think i'll offer to drive my friends around town b/c it is colder than i don't know what outside and i don't want them caught up in it [with their non-winter-coat-owning-asses!].

my desk is a mess. i haven't done a licka work all day long. i can't. i'm not even going to be here wed-fri, yet i'm slacking. what's my problem? i'm so pre-occupied....

an update!: he decided to wait for me. was this what i wanted? yes. am i ecstatic? yes. can i believe it? no.

i had so prepared myself for him to remove himself (extricate, if you will) from my ridiculously labyrinthine life.... that when he called to say, "i will never bring this up again, i'm happy with what we have, but right now you're the one navigating, if it's going anywhere, you will have to do the proposal".... by proposal he means the requisite, "will you be my man?", official "going steady" talk.... b/c marriage is so far out of my sights right now.

but what's not out of my sights? is .... PMS.. i hate hate hate the fact that my body can throw my whole life into disarray - for what? for what??

how can i EVER take myself seriously????

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?