2005-02-07 @ 3:45 p.m.....

for all the background info, shit just go to the archives to start at the beginning of the "i'm so blown" drama....

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L---,

My goal for the last few months has been to focus on myself in order to grow into the woman that I know I can be. In that process, I have been astounded by my own strength, amazed by my own character, challenged by my own deeply-rooted philosophies. I have had a chance to really get to know myself and by doing that, really enjoy what life has to offer.

Reading your emails this morning, and now listening to your messages, I realized just how much I have grown. I have found happiness in myself. I hope you can do the same. Don't look to me for answers, because I have none for you. We seem to be traveling on very divergent paths.

There is still a lot more for me to experience. The only way for me to experience these things is to do so without someone there judging me, threatening me, or even waiting for me. I need to experience these things without you looking over my shoulder.

Since you have obviously been calling off the hook while I'm at work, I will let you know that: This will have to be my final response. Please respect that and the fact that I do not need to deal with these things while I am at work.

Of course I wish you the best in all of your endeavors. I hope you are able to find happiness too. At least I believe that it will be easier for you to do without being so concerned with me and what I'm doing.

Best Wishes,
Soltera

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You see, i could have been easy on him. It didn't necessarily have to be so harsh. But the words: "freaking civilian" set me off.... and there was no turning back from there. it was no longer a friendly, supportive type of atmosphere. i couldn't show any weakness or sign of emotional attachment, lest he decide that that meant i was still in love with him.

so that's all she (meaning me) wrote. i wonder, sometimes, if i am playing around with the idea of love, relationships, commitment.... maybe i am. maybe i'm cold, hard, calculating. to some people. but for me, i am just doing what i need to do in order to get by. i can only do that. i mean, it is about surivival, isn't it?

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?