how can a parallel feel so alone?2005-02-23 @ 1:17 a.m..... so. i have this incredibly sad story to write. it is a realization i just had and it's hitting me pretty hard. crap. here goes: remember when i wrote this? well, i had this blinding revelation today that was similar.... it's quite sad and it's hard to write. well as a result of the way i was raised and my own peculiar point of view, i can pretty much say with confidence that i will never be able to just "join up" and be "born again" or whatever. i could never in good conscience subscribe to any one religious organization. in the back of my mind i would always be prodding the loose edges, pointing out loopholes, picking at the frays. because that's just what i do - i question. and no matter how badly i wanted to belong ~ i just would never ever truly belong. i couldn't commit without a doubt in my mind. well, apparently the same thing goes for a relationship. i mean, i drew an absolutely flawless parallel between the two tonight. it's not so hard to make an analogy from the facts. i can't wholeheartedly commit to a relationship, because deep down i doubt, deep down i know that my affections and wanting to be a part of the "team" is all on a surface-level. i just don't have the fabric of a person who was raised to believe in it.... raised in the church.... or in a nuclear (shit, even semi-nuclear) FAMILY. oops didn't mean to hit caps lock there, but it fits. what does FAMILY mean to me? certainly not what it means to 99% of the population. i just don't belong. i just don't fit in. i just feel so.... all alone. soltera soy. soltera yo.
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