A Time to Heal2005-02-23 @ 1:03 p.m..... i am still the same person. i am a mess. "i don't know". those words have been haunting me since college. if only i had the foresight back then to know that those very words would actually become my mantra. my motto. my catch phrase. they are my answer to EVERYTHING. there's so much in the world that i can't explain and i feel so hopeless, (or is it helpless?) about it.... okay ~ there are definitely fluctuations in my patterns of thought. they can go from one extreme to the next in such a short span of time. it simply cannot CANNOT be normal. i shouldn't be choosing pain over pleasure all the time. i shouldn't be punishing myself every day. i shouldn't be sitting here at work having an emotional breakdown. i shouldn't have this wall between.... me and myself. which leads to a barrier that separates me from my own happiness. i give up! i finally just am going to throw in the towel. and i gues i don't care anymore. if everybody hates me or judges me or labels me carazy..... so be it. i have to do this for myself. i have to seek out help from a professional. and that scares the crapppp out of me. because i don't trust well... anybody. so to tell a complete stranger (aside from fellow diarylanders....) every single thing that may or may not even have to do with why i am sitting here balling my eyes out.... well like i said i'm scared. but i have to start somewhere. and unloading this crap onto friends is just making it worse for me. not because they can't handle it, -cuz i have the world's greatest friends. i've designed my life weeding through the masses to cultivate the greatest friends i could ever ask for. no it's not their weakness. it's my own. and the fact that everytime i unload on someone else, i feel extremely guilty for doing so and i beat myself up about it and i sabotage myself into feeling like a horrible person. i am so freakin scared right now. even admitting this. so scary. i joke about it all the time. but now it's just reached that point, you know? where i just look at myself and go: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, SOLTERA?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? YOU DON'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!!!!!" it's so freaking obvious! and i usually find a way to placate myself and then i move on, numb to the pain and awareness. put on the blinders and blaze forth. i spent a lot of time gaining financial stability. it was my goal throughout college, to graduate and become independent and financially stable. i put a lot of effort into that. and i'm quite proud of my accomplishments in that arena. i aced that challenge. but what have i given up in the meantime? a whole lot of time and experience. social interaction. love. relationships. inter-personal communication. i need to shift focus NOW before it's too late (if it's not already). these are the things i need to tackle, now that i can step back and say: "hey, i've accomplished my superficial goal of gaining financial wealth. i have everything i need and want. let's move on to the nitty gritty!" even now i am making myself laugh through my tears. that's just what i do. it's a game i play w/myself called hide the emotion. i laugh it off. i joke around it. i distract myself. well i made one step that cannot be turned around or ignored. i told my friend to look up her therapist's number for me. so. the cry for help has been expelled. often times, that is the hard part. i had to battle my pride just to get that first sentence out: but that step is done. so now it's just about the follow through. i suppose it will be hard to make the appointment. yep. but at least i'm working from home now so i can make it on a day i work from home and not have to let my work know the when's and why's.... then the step where i actually have to GO.... whoa. that's gonna be tough too. i just have to hold on to this feeling right now. even though it SUX. i have to recall just how miserable i am right now. and the fact that I'M DOING IT TO MYSELF!!
|
