i called it ....2005-03-18 @ 1:37 a.m..... yeah, i shoulda known better is what y'all shoulda told me. no, but really though, i should have listened to my own gut. on the plus side, i have pulled myself out of the state of delirium i was in pre-that-trip-to-nyc, the one where i refused to delve into my problems with past relationships.... i grabbed myself an expensive-ass counselor.... and now i'm on the road to "starting over", only without the cameras. on the negative side. i've never felt so incredibly insecure, emotionally unstable, and full of flaws as i do right now. i'm not blaming it all on him, but his complete honesty coupled with lack of tact has led me to a gigantic mirror, like one of those funhouse mirrors that distort your image so that all of your imperfections are seemingly gigantic? yeah, i wrote a little ditty about it. like ta hear it? here it go: When I look at you, But I don't like what I see. I see judgement. I see callousness. I see flaws. I see weakness. I see insecurity. I see pain. I see a child looking so hard for approval she doesn't even realize that the opinion of the outside world means nothing - nothing at all - if she ain't right from within. She searches high, she searches low. Beyond the horizon and back. To and fro. And in your eyes. But all she finds is pain. so i came to the realization that.... "The One", whomever it may be.... well he most certainly would not make me feel like that.... ....Should make me feel, at the very least, The Most Positive I could feel. i guess i've always been seeking approval from a source that would never ever ever in a million years EVER give out approval. or at least not that feeling of total acceptance, which is what i actually NEED>. So the question arises, "Why would I continue to take this abuse: the negative comments, the back-handed compliments, the straight-up insults, the lack of regard for my feelings....?" the answer is because i wanted that unattainable approval.... i was grasping at air. i wanted to prove something. but deep down, i never felt that i actually deserved acceptance, so i would not go where i knew i would be welcomed. instead i headed straight for the No Trespassing sign................. on another note, i dug deep. deeper than ever before on a topic that continues to rear its dreary lil head: "Why is it easier for me to believe that my mother lied to me over all these years than to think that a man could be that inhumane????" Well, at least she would have been lying to protect me, doing so out of some act of Love. Then it would only be herself she was trying to protect and that makes her kind of selfish. but then by default at The Very Least i would have been CREATED by an act of Love.... and by extension i would have Love in me. For the alternative ending there is nothing but Hate. I can't spend The Rest of My Life dwelling on Hate, or negativity. Or the fact that someone did something wrong before i was even BORN and that i'm the one who has to deal with the repercussions? no. i choose not to. i choose instead to tell the story to myself that helps me move on. in fact, it is imperative that i tell this story so that i am able to move on from this once and for all. next week, i need to sit them both down and tell them why. why it's easier for me to choose lies and love rather than truth and hatred. why i need to disassociate myself from a family that has disassociated itself from me my whole life. why I need to take the reigns and make the switch myself/ // for myself, by myself. as it was and how it always shall be.... because. don't you two understand anything after all these years? that i need to believe that You (Mom) made a choice and You (Bro) made a choice.. And that choice was Me. You both Chose Me and that's what matters to me most. That's what i HAVE to believe in. that's all i have. the alternative is that nobody chooses me.
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