2005-03-22 @ 4:47 p.m.....

for some reason i have my mind on this guy i knew ten or so years ago.... AM.

damn he was fine. even in my own awkward pre-teen mind.... and for some reason he liked me too. braces and all.

he was only 2 years older than i was, but 4 years ahead of me in school. i like em smart. sometimes.

he lived in FL.

we wrote letters. the old fashioned kind. (this was way before email). cologne on the envelope an everythigng/

he was and forever will be, i think, the prototype for how i like my men.

he played football.

he had a great smile.

damn i really was swooning over him. still kinda am.

for some reason, i have always gone for guys long distance.

maybe i like the romance of the letter writing, the pictures, the fantasies running wild. ( i don't mean erotic fantasies, i mean just the fantasy that you've found the perfect person )

and so i keep people at a distance. and in that way i maintain perfection. perfection of myself and perfection of the other person.

and that way if something goes wrong, you can just fade out of the picture.... no harsh feelings.... no nasty breakups. it's just done, you move on. i'm transient that way, i guess.

i am such a case study waiting to be cracked open. but i'm beginning to resent my therapist. she's overpriced and that is eating away at me.

i don't want anybody to be too close to me. i push and push and PUSH.

and men, well, men are just ornaments on the lawn. i certainly do not want them inside. i don't trust them. i wonder if i ever will.

how can i ever get past this?

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?