2005-04-08 @ 4:08 p.m.....

today i feel.... like the embodiment of "soltera".

i feel so. a lone.

like i was in a crowded theatre and everyone decided to leave. and then. there's just. me.

and yet i know that i am not the only one going through these things. i know there are so many who are like me, feeling alone. and lost. and yet, i still find no comfort in knowing that.

i speak with my friends who are going through it too, but i still relish the fact that i am here, all alone, empty space, solamente yo.

AHH, i want to SCREAM just to hear the echo. for my own voice to keep me company. but it's so hollow. so reminiscent of my emptiness.

often times i feel like zooming out, from my isolated standpoint, just to see that there are so many others with thought bubbles over their heads thinking the same thing:

"gee, i'm lonely".

but then i wouldn't feel so lonely any more. and so i wallow. wade deep in my own loneliness. fill up with air and sit in the darkness. alone.

people reach out to me, family, friends. but i cut them off when it gets too dark. i don't want them to see this shit.

and the fuckin therapist, what a joke. actually had the nerve to Fall Asleep on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

while i ball my eyes out reaching/grasping/clawing for anything to hold onto as i slip into the darkness?

that is unacceptable behavior, as dana would say to the cats. "Completely Unacceptable Behavior!"

$150/hour for someone to conk out and nap while I do all the work? i was doing better by my damn self.

so no, i don't think i owe her an excuse. and i don't think that i need to call her and tell her that it's over. doesn't she get the hint? i said i couldn't afford it. that i wanted to do every other week. she called and called and made false appointments without even confirming with me. calling me an hour after the fact as if she was hanging onto that last shred of our "relationship"..

because of her i stopped going to the gym. because of her i holed up in my apt. for 4 days straight. b/c of her, i could no longer control the tears. they might come tumbling out at the mention of a tiny artifact in my history.

fuck her.

yes, people do grow up without fathers every single day. but don't tell me that i need to get over it. don't tell me that i need to be pro-active and take a class or join something. i already Know all this shit. What I Want To Know and what i wanted from you was a reason and the source for my lack of motivation. and then i wanted you to motivate me.

but fuck you. b/c the only thing you wanted to motivate me to do was to keep shelling out $150/week/hour just to sit and cry in your too hot/too cold office as your eyes slowly drifted apart as you lost focus and half-snored through my sniffling.

i just wanted to unload all of this. but now i see- as i already knew- that this is my load forever. the load will never disappear. it will never leave my possession. i will stake my claim on this load for the rest of my ever-living, ever-dying days. and that, is that.

as for the motivation thing. my bills have been piling up and i keep paying them late. what. is. wrong. with. me????? $29 late fees are a fuckin bitch.

and why can't i bring myself to call anybody ever in my life???? why? is it really that damn hard????

i'm such a bull-shitter. friday is already here again and again, i have no plans. but to sit at home draped in comforters, putting dvds in the machine but never watching them b/c there is some lame movie on the wb. or they are easy-viewing "what i like about you" and i just love the bond b/t sisters.

i wish i had a sister.

i would have her call all my credit card companies and explain that just because i missed the 3pm deadline on the due date of the online payment form, doesn't mean my heart wasn't in it, it just means that it slipped my mind and..... oh fuck it. i might as well drive myself into further debt so that i will NEVER be able to buy my own house.

fuck it.

fuck it all.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?