2005-04-20 @ 5:16 p.m.....

once again i canNOT write in my other diary :( too much pressure. too many viewers. too many expectations.

today at lunch, instead of eating, a coworker and i sat with our bare feet in the grass and our faces in the sun and she read aloud from The Four Agreements while creepy bugs crawled all over us.

why was it EXACTLY what i needed? all weekend long i've been fretting about my love affair with A--, the one who i let in and therefore the one who can hurt me the most. in a ragingly powerful moment, i cut ties with him, after finally seeing the painful ways my self esteem was obliterated from day one. (and i knew it would happen, and i said it would happen, and it did. so i'm not stupid, i'm just insane).

anyway, i have this love/hate relationship with relationships. and when i cut ties i felt guilty, but i felt better at the same time. no more silent tears streaming down my face as i sit on the phone with him questioning everything, from my sense of self-worth, to my feelings toward him, toward myself, toward life.... something about him just makes me question so damn much. and it hurts. and the tears flow so easily. that's just not the way it should be. even if i am, as i am, generally unhappy with who and where i am in life, the person i want to spend all my time with should not make me feel worse about all of this. make me forget, i don't care. although it does get more painful when they leave. hmph. maybe i am voicing this to realize more about myself. about how i cover things up only for them to come tumbling out at the most in-opportune times. like at the airport when i was trying to locate the gotdamn rental car. or my mom. or trying to read "the". or sitting in an old-folks' home parking lot staring at the sun.

or reading this book that i have not been able to get off my mind since i read the first 100 pages like they were i don't know what. it's this book called the kite runner by khaled somebody and i am so wrapped up in it, even though i don't even have it with me b/c i borrowed it one afternoon from my mom and it's a library book so she took it back..... i have the story in my head.

and i can't help but identify w/both the main character AND the mongoloid servant. i feel all tangled up inside both universes. the loyal servant who openly and willingly takes punishment and degradation.... the master who knows better but still keeps up appearances and distributes the punishment and degradation.

i read it and, i feel like a horrible person.

that's my problem. i take on too much.

i bought a condo over the weekend.

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm shackling myself down while trying to liberate myself. i want to be fiscally responsible, yet i want to be financially independent and transcend this frickin economy and be comfortable and afford all of the luxuries that i want from life.

but life is so hard without a partner.

i've just been living too long while trying to hold onto anyone willing to stick it out next to me, not next to me, but i hold their hand and drag them along,.... that takes so much effort. so when i let go, i feel lonely.

and if they made me supremely happy when i was with them, then i feel ever the more supremely lonely when they're gone.

but even now, i don't think all of them combined could make me supremely happy at this point.

i took a xanax for the first time this weekend. during my breakdown in the airport, my friends consoled me and took the little white pills out of the glove compartment and popped em in my hand, "i take two?" "no nono!!! take some for the road!!"

shit. i felt so fine. well, compared to the snotty mess i was on the curb looking for the car. i felt numb. i felt like i had been wrapped in a fine quilt like a taquito and i was floating along. like i had a gentle amnesia. like i had thicker skin. like i had stayed up all night but received a second wind and a renewed sense of calm.

i couldn't be like that all the time.

but at the time. it was perfect. i wish i had my own supply but, then i would have to go back to the psycho-therapist, which i HATE> i hate hate hate it more than anything.

and how good of a therapist are you anyway if you have to call back patients YOURSELF and ask, beg, plead for them to return to you and supply you with that $150 a pop again?

shit.

i wish so many things. one was that i had all the money back i ever wasted frivolously or gave away knowing that i would never see it again, but hoping that i would. i know that amounts to at least $10K.

i'm putting $10K down on the condo. i won't actually OWN any of it, ever. but i will buy on credit and then sell when the price acclimates to the surrounding area.

it's destined for $100K increase, hopefully. maybe more if i can finagle something or other. i have to rent it out, but since i'm not too keen on doing that myself, i have my friends there to look after it.

they are two people i wish i could be right now. holy shit. i look up to them and my whole life my mom looked down on their family.

fuck judgement. fuck everybody.

the first 3 "Agreements" are very important. although i have no idea how to do them.

the best instructions were for #3: "Don't Assume".... when you assume, well you know the rest. but it's true. i always assume the worst, and when i communicate, i'm usually assuming the worst and thereby totally miscommunicating in another language. i need to curb it down to reality. and only talk about what's real. the total and honest facts.

the other two are actually followers./ i think #3 should be #1 and #2 should follow: "Don't Take It Personally".... this is my other biggest problem. i'm so concerned with what EVERYBODY ELSE is thinking, i take everything to heart, i try to please everyone, i pay no attention to myself and therefore have no idea who i am. i need to become solid and secure in myself before i can even entertain what the rest of the world has to say.

this is where i went wrong w/ A-- - i gave him all the power to determine my worth. why? b/c i knew that he would confirm my biggest fear - that i am worthless, (hey i dindt say i am, i said that's my biggest fear, and that he confirms it.... i know i am worth SOMETHING, but god almighty, i have not discovered just how WORTHY i am.... i am in a process, okay? why am i talking to you? this is about ME>) anyway me being a glutton for self-punishment i have always gone to the source that will never give me what i actually need. i have always shied away from that which actually has potential. "for fear of not living up to potential".

fear controls everything. i am very afraid. all the time. i am.

i have no idea who i am. i don't know how to find out. all i can do is spend time w/myself. make crazy decisions. and hopefully, finally LEARN something.

i am intelligent. i am emotional. these are two things i thought to be mutually exclusive at one point in time. i am a shining counter example. i should be proud. i don't have to wear it on my sleeve now that i know it, though. it's all about balance.

i need to restore balance. not that i ever had any to begin with. but i have to start somewhere. i have to.

this is survival of the fittest.

i have ample opportunity. i have prepared. i have it all.

so what the hell are you waiting for?

a knight in shining armor? a prince/? someone to pick up my magic slipper and instantly know that because it is a size 6 it is mine? (this would never happen b/c who do you know at 5'11" with size 6 feet? no one? right. so someone would have to get to know me real well to know this. or read my diary.)

i have all of these qualities i hold under lock and key. as if i would lose them if someone comes around and ends up not being "the one". i need to share them with the world. but i'm scared (again)././

my friends, the ones in florida i was speaking of before. they've somehow managed to find their perfect balance in a mate. both of them. and they always thought theywere so NOT balanced, but they were balanced out by their MATES>

i happen to be like their mates. shy, introverted, quiet, pensive, not willing to share my attributes with the world. they are the exact opposite and they see the light in their mates and they use their gusto to share that with the world.

i need to find someone like my girl friends, who is a guy. just like all of my girl friends have guys who are like ME (hence, the reason they always come to me for answers about why he's withdrawn, moody, or otherwise noncommunicative of his emotions...) I in turn, need to find a partner who is like THEM.

shit. it's hard to do when all you want to do is crawl into bed and read a good book or watch a movie. i don't like being on display. i don't like dating AT ALL. i don't like being in the spotlight.

i guess everyone was right. i guess i really do need to take a class or find a hobby that will break me out of this semi-permanent shell so that i can meet someone who is interested in what i'm interested in, and have a way to find me.

how else would anyone ever find me? except by word of mouth, i'm good in that way. my friends talk me up and know me well. but they all live in distant cities, coast to coast :(

unless i move, i'm stuck.

blah/ can you tell this is the shitstorm release of being mentally/emotionally constipated and not being able to access a computer or d-land for over 5 days :( i just opened this up and letter rip.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?