2005-04-21 @ 10:24 a.m.....

everyone around me is going through it. i wonder if it's the phases of the moon, for real.

the only thing is.... i'm always on the opposite end. i said it before, all of my friends are a certain way and they have partners who are like me. well all of my friends are complaining about their partners being non-emotional, or able to control their emotions, and what they choose to express. and it urks the shit out of my very emotionally expressive friends.

shit.

so here i am, in a situation where, i feel ALL OF THESE CONFUSING EMOTIONS and have no idea how to express them, so when i go to my friends, they're like, duh just say something. anything. just EXPRESS YOURSELF.

because that's what they want from their mates.

they can't sympathize. they can only get pissed when i explain away how they're partners feel for them and why they can't express themselves openly.

last night i cried all night long. through 2 hours of driving back and forth b/t work, my house and my brother's house, because i am an emotional mess and i have no idea how to fix it, express it, or control it.

me being rational, i want to rationalize everything, come up with reasons for things being the way they are. when i come up with no answer, i get so flabbergasted i can't do anything but cry. at least i can cry. but that's a kinda moronic thing to do in the middle of a freakin airport, or say, in your car sitting in traffic, or, silently lying down ona couch in the dark while your mother snores away.... or how about on the phone with a so-called "loved one". and then they're like, "why's your voice sound funny?" and because i can't explain why i'm letting hot tears stream from my lower lids, i reply, "it's this stupid hands-free device!"

i mentioned last night to my friend, the one re-connecting with her German Guy (and now i totally understand why), that i feel like a f()@&king teenager all over again. like i've regressed ten years and i'm 15 again and i have no idea what the f@(k i'm doing.

i'm @(& @)(*&$ @)(&*% 25 YEARS OLD! snap out of it already! i shoudl be a grown ass woman taking care of shit and here i am whining and crying, crying and whining.

but i seriously have regressed, like i shoulda been doing routine maintenance on my soul, but i was feeling better so i didn't because i was feeling better and i didn't think it was so necessary at the time. but meanwhile, it got harder and harder to fake the feelign better part as the not so good part crept in and, here i am one huge lopsided mess. i have my happy face for the rest of the world. inside i am so f@(&$king sad and lonely i don't know wht to do about it but cry/

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?