2005-05-09 @ 5:50 p.m.....

just got back from a long weekend trip to visit my friends.

i realized a lot about myself. i tend to make things seem worse than they really are. it's like i'm' adding drama to life, which is totally unnecessary. time and time again, everything always works out for the best in the end, so why can't i just suck it up and play along?

i have incredibly high expectations for the men in my life, whether they are in it already or whether i am thinking of my future mate.

i am extremely uncomfortable approaching guys. if i meet someone and like him, instead of letting him know i like him, i think "well if he really liked me as much as i like him, he would find a way to find me". i have this totally unrealistic notion of romance that just doesn't jive with these days and times.

the guys who do approach me, either are supreme assholes, or have low self esteem, both ends of the extreme spectrum, and both highly UNattractive.

i want so badly to give off an aura of perfection, i lose myself in the process. the essence of who i am is the conglomeration of all of my idiosyncracies (or idiosyncrazies as i like to call them)....

my best friend who is like my sister, Taurus, will be helping me set up a profile on match.... she even said she would pre-screen them for me, which is exactly what i need. because i've decided, i'm 25, an adult, a full-grown woman and yet still a child. i need to grow up and experience life first-hand. one of those expierences will HAVE to be dating. no matter how much it makes me shiver with scaredy-catness, i have to go through with it. because, like they say, if i don't put myself out there, how will i ever find "the one"????? (my reply used to be that he would find me, but more and more i'm realizing that the onus will have to be on me, b/c if i just sit back and wait around, well i basically keep on attracting duds who are not good for me and where i'm tryin to go w/my life....)

blah//

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?