2005-06-16 @ 1:35 a.m.....

maybe i'm what's it called. b/c at the same time i hate everything. as happy as i just was, things can still bring me down.

way down.

deep down.

i still have things to work out. things that make me scream. kick. cry.

wilt.

melt.

i am fragile. but i am strong. i am frail, but not weak. i am like a thread of tungsten.

i don't even know what that means.

i don't know what i mean anymore.

who am i? what am i doing? what does it all mean?

i just didn't realize how much work it took to simply grow up. maybe b/c i'm compacting the pst 10 years into 1. maybe that's why.

i never was one to make slow n steady progress. i always wanted to bust out the gate at 140 mph and lap the one in 2nd place. always let things pile up til i could take them all out in one fell swoop. that ain't healthy. t'aint healthy a tall.

my stomach says go my heart says where my mind says why my body says yes my mouth says no my eyes say who my skin feels numb my toes feel tingly my legs feel shaky my knees feel.... absent.

i got the jimmy legs.

shit lemme stop.

when i let myself just GO, i go crazay.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?