2005-09-19 @ 5:31 p.m.....

i've started a blog. it's starting out just like this one- except in a completely different tone and sounds like a completely different person. figures. i can't even take a damn picture without looking like a stranger. i take many forms. why would my writing be different?

so i have a lot to say now. now that i can't write it in the O.D. (original diary) or the NSB (new school blog). there is a lot of shit to filter thru, ain't that a biznotch? i almost don't know where to start.

one of the main things that struck me while writing that i couldn't put down cuz, how would that look?.... is that if September 11th, 2001 did not occur, i would probably be mother of zig.gy mar.ley's illegitimate child by now. funny how things work. i know that's kind of morbid and off the wall, but i was thinking about it yesterday and for damn sure, if all flights had not been grounded that morning, if he had flown to my city as planned, and we had met up as planned, i can't say for sure that i would have been able to resist his advances at that juncture. i can't say that i would have been thinking very clearly at all. and i'm pretty sure that he wanted to plant his seed. right chere.

so the world works in mysterious ways. at that point in time i was so idealistic and love, peace and nappiness. i was so positive vibes and deep convo and that was the extent of my world. mathematics was music, mathematics was everything, and that's what we were gonna talk about. until mathematics turned into the science of actual experiments and biological drives to procreate.......

i know the signs, i know when a man looks in my eyes and sees the future, i know when a man can see that this here is a blessed earth that would bring forth a happy, healthy, intelligent creation and i woulda been lau.ryn hi.ll crazy....

i can't believe the coincidences in life. i can't believe how altered my life would have been if, say.... instead of 9/11, they chose thanksgiving, or christmas, or new year's.... i still remember every moment of that scary time. of knowing my home was only blocks away from a target. so yea, he called to say he would not be flying anytime soon and would be fleeing the US to "safer" ground in Ghana. how funny. now we see how much of a 3rd world country the US is. there is only 1 world, i say. what's with the superiority complex/!

i digress.

i just wanted to voice that licka bit of history to myself, to let myself know that i am here (and by here, i mean right here, right now, no attachments, no mouths to feed...) i am here for a reason. not that the attacks were my fault or in any way a sign specifically for me, no.... but what didn't happen, cuz that 's the important thing, what did not happen, didn't happen for a reason.

what the hell would i do with a child anyway? of course, that particular child would have been blessed. would have been blessed....

i know that i have a lot to offer this world, i just don't know that i was equipped with the tools to do so. or at least, i have not read the owner's manuals yet..... i've been dealt so incredibly much, i can't even write it all in one place, hence the multiple monikers, the multiple scribblings and rantings and the whole disorder of it all. will i ever get it together???????

apparently my goldmembership lapsed and i didn't get the memo...... i don't even know what's what anymore. i don't even know where i'm coming from.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?