2005-09-21 @ 12:10 a.m.....

every body is always so damn interested in "what are you?"

um. human, thanks.

today i was trying to think of a moniker, an alter ego, something off the wall. i only have a few close co-workers i would venture to call friends. everyone else can go f#@(& themselves. i hate people i don't know.

anyway. so my cohorts go ahead and feel around for ideas of what my name coulda shoulda woulda been, had my mother not chosen to slap the title she so did when i was born....

the problem is, my name is so frickin me, but i am always having to spell it out, explain it, recite it backwards, prove it....

it's like i'm constantly having to prove myself to others.

i have totally strayed from my original topic although it's all related.

so we're discussing me, my image, and what possible names people may have guessed before they knew me....

and no one can think of another name for me.

"well, what are you...."

"yeah, you know. what're your origens?"

"i don't know"

and they simply can't accept me as i am.

this is me....
and this is also me.

two sides of myself
make me

invisible.

more than the eye can see.

two dimensional,
too dementia-null,

larger than life,
void of space,

are you following this?

to the nth degree.
the power of z.

break me in half and
there's just more of me.

like spaghetti....

i don't know i'm just fuckin around. i had a whole nother stanza i was working on in the carride home, but promptly forgot it. as i would forget how hurt i was by this afternoon, except i can't because it's a huge part of my existence. it's ingrained for me to take this seriously.

fuckity fuck fuck fuck. i forget so much important stuff.

so they were all, what are you. and i was all i don't know. because to me this type of thing bears absolutely no relevance to my every day life. the only thing i have is my balls and my word... oops that's scarface. and anyway, he knew where he was coming from.... straight from cuba. what can i say? i don' tknow where i'm coming from so i don't know where the fuck i'm going.

this was so much more coherent on my carride home, but i am a. tranquilized. heavily. b. on the phone w/my best friend c. on a three way call with orbitz trying to figure out what to do b/c she lost her tickets to portugal in 2 weeks.

2 weeks and we will be 2 broads abroad. buckin it up in portugal and spain for 2 weeks.

i sincerely hope that this trip will lift this heavy cloud that has been plaguing me for the past 3 and a half years. but i am always hoping for something to happen. i never go ahead and make it happen. i will have to figure this shit out later. we are talking to the ticket lady now. what did we used to do without cell phones and 3-way and call waiting and caller id? i forget.....

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?