2005-10-27 @ 11:43 a.m.....

A--,

Whereas yesterday afternoon I was ready and willing to tell you that I was ready to take the plunge, emotionally and physically, into a relationship with you. Whereas yesterday I was ready and willing to bear my heart in open palms and extend it to you. Whereas yesterday I was able to speak from my heart about all of the feelings I hold for you. Whereas yesterday I had hope for the future....

Today I have nothing.

I have nothing for you. I don't know what your intentions are. I don't know if you have found someone else and are just amusing yourself with me and my newfound openness. I don't know if you are trying to teach me a lesson in how does it feel. I don't know if you can even hear me, let alone if you are listening.

This morning I woke up and I was ready to end it all. No more phonecalls. No more tears. No more questions, no more questioning the questioner and no more made up answers. No more wondering. No more reaching. No more tugging. No more pain.

Whereas yesterday afternoon I was ready to bound through the arbor of a new relationship with you, this morning I woke up hoping and praying that I would have to strength to never call you again. Erased your numbers out of my phone. Erased your voice messages. Cried tears of loneliness at the thought of never hearing your voice again. But all of that, the emptiness, the void, the missing piece that would be you out of my life; all of that would be better than the pain I'm feeling right now. At least I know what I'm in for.

Don't you understand me by now? Isn't that why you do what you do? I can only assume that you are acting this way in order to teach me a lesson.

and I can't STAND that. You KNOW it makes me see red. You KNOW it drives me to my breaking point. So if you really cared about me, why would you do that to me????

Am I supposed to have an epiphany that leads me to some sort of conclusion about how YOU feel? It's not going to work, so why can't you just TELL me instead??

Why do you want to break me down? Why do you not mind hurting me? Why do I continue to take this abuse?

The only lesson you have successfully taught me is that I am better off alone. Whereas yesterday I saw a chance for us to be in this together, this morning I woke up seeing only myself again. Back to square one.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?