2005-11-02 @ 3:20 p.m.....

let me write this out so i can get it into perspective. i have a lot going for me and it didn't happen by accident. yes, there was some very fortuitous timing involved, but my on-point gut instincts and turn-on-a-dime sensibilities are the only things i can say fully accomplished the following:

-graduated with a bs in 4 years with honors in applied mathematics. 6 in my class.

-a great job with benefits up to yin yang. guaranteed promotions, unlimited growth, work at home, flexible work hours, travel opportunities, stable.

-a great car. paid off. only maintenance and gas to pay.

-a great home, an apartment with the perfect amount of space for me and my anti-social tendencies. this doubles as an investment as it has quadrupled in value since i bought it.

-quadrupled

-while one investment was drained in order to put down on my apt, only 1/2way, so the other half has been doing it's thing and has steadily increased over the past year.

-at the beginning of this year i caught wind of this new online bank that had fantastic CD and Savings rates so i started a car-fund in the form of a CD ladder so that I would always have emergency cash at my fingertips, but also would have longterm interest rates.

-i put myself on a relatively easy, but fast-growing automatic savings plan with this same account and have really really really saved a lot more than i ever thought possible in the past 9 months.

all in all, $250,000. and i'm only 25.

when i was 23 i projected that i wanted to have $100K saved and in assets by the time i was 28. i've even surpassed my own goals and hopes for the future financially.

but something's still missing....

every day i get bogged down by the other side of life:

-the fact that my job doesn't fulfill me

-the fact that there's no real honest connection with the people in my life

-the fact that all of this is done.... alone.

-i am lonely, but i don't see that changing anytime soon. i'm too screwed up emotionally. it's like the H and C faucets have been switched and i'm a guest in the house and i keep turning and turning the H faucet and getting colder and colder water. until my fingers turn blue. turn to ice.

splash my face, i'm a melodramatic fool.

i'm a rich bitch. i take trips. i leave town whenever i can. i spend time with my far-flung friends.

but what do i have here, in my own heart? will it always remain empty, callous? is there no way to soften it, fill it up?

lord knows i've tried. even when i think about the love i have, it doesn't make me feel any way but confused, alone and afraid.

so yes, i've accomplished some things. pretty amazing feats, huH? if i didn't know me, i'd think i was amazing too.

but i don't feel so. no. i focus on the areas that don't seem to be moving at all. still waters run deep they say.

what i need to keep in mind is that i didn't get this far by accident. or luck.

but by my balls and my word.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?