2006-02-12 @ 11:16 a.m.....

can i tell you a secret?

here's the deal. i have issues. i mean, clearly i've always had intimacy issues.... but now i have some hard core issues with intimacy. and this time, i'm not just talking about sex.

i give off this aura like, i'm the shit, i don't give a fuck, i've got my shit together.

but really, inside this facade, i am a MESS.

anyone reading my journal could attest to that.

anyway, in all of my past "relationships" i've never really let anyone past that barrier of cool, calm, collected. every single one of the men i've spent time with has this illusion of perfection. b/c that is the immage i project.

well, everything was cool - everything was soooo cool. i was able to maintain the appearance of perfection and that was my way of keeping my fragile self-esteem in check.

everything was cool, that is, until i met A--. and i knew it was going to happen, but maybe that my subconscious motivation. maybe i subconsciously knew that it was just what i needed.... in order to get over myself.

but first, i had to be broken.

and when i say broken - i mean A-- came up to me and shattered my self-perception into a jillion tiny fragmented pieces.

A-- tore off my mask and pointed my face in the direction of the mirror, he held up a mirror, and i thought i saw the mirror shattered, but it was me. it was all of me, that which lay beneath the hard candy surface i had used as a disguise my entire life.

and the lesson i'm learning is this: i can't hide behind it forever, that would be more detrimental to myself than anything else i could possibly subject myself to. because everything i've been subjecting myself to- has been detrimental. but the worst crime i've ever committed was to ignore the very core of my being, to refuse to acknowledge that inner child, the one crying every. .single. . night. just waiting for someone, anyone, please, to come and rescue her.

waiting for some answers.

and the waiting.... was all in vain. b ecause why? because the answers- the answer will always and shall ever be - Me.

the answer to every single question i've ever had, to every single corner of the earth i've brought my mind to- the answer has always been - Me.

when i look to others for answers, i cheat myself. hard.

A--, you may be an arrogant prick, you may be the worst kind of person for me in the sense that you have absolutely no tact and i take everything personally, you may have made me cry every single day for a straight year.... but you taught me something invaluable. and i cannot discredit myself, i knew what i was doing. i knew that it was now or never, that you were the 'any means necessary' - crucial to my self-awareness and acceptance.

because- over the years i had developed a deep rift valley, that separated Me from My Self. where i separated out my 'Good' and 'Bad' qualities (as judged solely by my worst critic - Me). and this was an unfortunate thing, because being as biased as i was toward the negative, i could barely see the positive. so the positive 'side' remained on a pedastal that i thought i would never reach. i never thought i could 'become' that person..... when, in fact, it was already Me.

so A--, what i feel you did was become my new Worst Critic, you pointed out every flaw, every bone, every vein, and you made me see it through naked eyes, and you made me Hate myself. you tore down the protective barriers (only b/c i let you, but still) and you exposed me to myself and i crrrrrrrried. because i hated me that much. i hated every drop of blood, every tear, every drop of sweat. i hated to look at myself, in the mirror or otherwise, i hated to be 'stuck' in this body....

but now i realize, i am stuck here, this is my body, and this is all i've got and all i will ever have, within the realm of this particular mind and soul combination that makes me.... Me.

so i've GOT to make due. for the love of all that ever was, i have GOT to accept myself as-is for the things that i cannot change, and for those i can, i've GOT to be the change i want to see....

So every day now, ever since my 26th birthday, I've been trying to wake up and wrap myself in positivity.... tell myself i'm beautiful, look in the mirror and see beauty, and stop telling myself otherwise.

this is no longer a facade. this is Me, telling ME, that i'm beautiful - and not looking around me for those answers.... but looking inside.

i'm painting now - watercolors. it's absolutely freeing and difficult and amazing and frustrating and just the perfect thing for a person who is having such a difficult time finding the words to express herself....

love. is .... loving yourself. if you can't get that basic principle down and practice loving yourself, how in the effing world can you expect yourself to give love to anybody else?

these are things i've heard and never understood. but now, i find that i've been reaching toward it instinctively.... it's only when i bring cognizance into it that i get all confused and refuse to do what i need to do in order to live a happier and fuller life.

everyone deserves tobe happy. and by everyone, i now include Me.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?