2006-02-12 @ 2:57 a.m.....

so look, right? if someone i know happens to stumble upon this here journal again: PLEASE TURN AROUND AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

This is my only outlet as of now. I can't write anywhere else without having someone looking over my shoulder. and it SUCKS.

because i have so very much to say. i can't just quit cold turkey. i need to write somewhere, so here it is.

Today's Horoscope is on point as ever:

You're not in the mood to stop. Stop what? Anything. Anything at all. In other words, no matter what you're doing, feeling, or about to do, you won't want to pull yourself back, not one teeny, tiny iota. Fortunately, everyone will be in a similar frame of mind and heart, so no one will notice -- oh, except, perhaps for the lucky individual who'll be on the receiving end of your wonderful attention. And they probably won't object.

Today i had a wonderful day. a kind of confusing day. an exciting day. and question mark of a day.

i need to talk to B- about what exactly it is that we think we're doing. b/c we seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum in so many things.

i can't believe i kissed him.

damnit.

i shouldn't have done that. but he was punking out, and honestly his lips are too effing ...... ohmygod..... i can't even describe them without blacking out.

this is So. Effing. Strange. to be writing about. so surreal. you don't even know.

it's like, one of those times, where the protagonist of the story gets exactly what she wants at the most unsuspecting time?

yea.

so.

i'm all ajumble about my feelings still, because it was still very recently that i have switched gears from thinking of him as a friend who had a girl, .... to this mess.

he thought he was ready, but he had no idea.

i thought i had no idea, but then i up and kissed his ass.

and ran away.

it was not a real kiss, mind you. b/c that shit woulda knocked him flat on the ground. i know this. man.

i know that he is falling for me. hard.

am i falling for him though? that is probably the million dollar question.

hold up, would i ever even let myself fall for anybody after the heartwrenching experience with A--??

that is the billion dollar question.

wait.

what?

i don't know. i have too many thoughts and not enough fingers to type them all at once. i need 4 keyboards running simultaneously, hooked up to each facet of all of my journals, scattered about the face of the earth and around my apartment as they are.

i can't even keep everything inside a single travel journal on a weekend vacation. how do you expect me to document my life?

i open up a book, random page, and i write. i open up d-land, and when i can, i write.

fuck it. i just have absolutely no clue whatsoever as to how i found myself to be here, in this position, wondering what's going to happen at work on monday, when i see him, when i see his ex-girl, when i see our mutual friend who he no doubt confided in.

i just don't want to be "the other woman". which he actually handled prior to this, so i'm actually not. but i still don't want to be perceived that way.

i also don't want to be a rebound. which i don't know if that's possible. i don't know much about other people's emotions, shit i can barely grasp my own. i also don't want to be perceived that way.

i just plain don't want to be discussed at work, okay? so can we keep this shit cool at work? huh? can we? i don't know.

fuck it.

i hate my job anyway. i want to move on. i just don't know where. now that i seemingly have it set up so perfectly.

fuck.

it.

i can't write my thoughts, obviously. and i can't voice my emotions. i have difficulty even finishing a damn sentence anymore.

"you know when you are talking and then .... ehhh, erghhh, ehhhh, i don't know"

that is how every single one of my conversation points have been ending lately, just with a series of strenuous grunts and moans b/c i DON'T HAVE AN EFFING CLUE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON.

ONCE AGAIN:

i can't believe this is my life.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?