2006-11-29 @ 12:47 p.m.....

yesterday was a momentous day. a turning point in my life. a major shake-up, earthquake, unravelling of all of the stories and lies that had been wrapped around me my whole life.

yesterday, i discovered the possibility of finding out who my biological father is.

forget about a father who was there for me growing up, that is something i can never go back and edit in history.

no, but just to know - where i came from, who i am, why i am the way i am, besides the things that i was able to do for myself, by myself, through sheer willpower and determination.

i saw a picture of the man my mother had an affair with..... and i suddenly connected.

to be able to look at someone and search out the features that are your own, and to actually find them.

it was unbelievable. my eyes, my nose, my smile, my cheeks, my dimples, my ears, my eyebrows, my expression..... it's all there ~ out there somewhere in the world, and i was able to SEE myself for the very first time.

i was able to look myself in the mirror without cringing in horror.

i was able to see myself for a human being instead of an alien lifeform.

i was able to love life, my life in particular.

it was truly amazing.

on the flip side, there is my mom. whom had finally revealed the one detail, his name, to me over the weekend. and she put up the appearance of someone much stronger than she really is. she is strong in her iron lung. she is strong in this bulletproof shield that she created out of lies in order to save herself.

she made fucking adult decisions when she was older than i am now and this is just a consequence to her actions.

i don't know if she'll ever own up and admit to The Truth.

But information is power, and now I have that information that i so desperately needed my Whole. Entire. Life. and yes, this is like the reverse of everything she's ever done that hurt me, by taking information and twisting it around to her own benefit. well look, i'm an adult now. so i can make a decision now about what I'm gonna do about this here man that looks like me, acts like me, loves like me, somewhere out in the mid-US.

now if i can just compile the right mix of light introductory lettering and a few pictures from my life as Me.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?