2006-08-27 @ 9:24 p.m.....

i can't think about the pain right now, the missingness, the loneliness, no.

i refuse.

i must remind myself of why i had to come to this decision and all of the reasons why it's not working for me:

i found myself contemplating whether i was too much like his dog - or, more succinctly, if i could only act like his dog then i would receive as much unconditional love as he gives her.

i found myself in awkward situations at work because of what he told/didn't tell people.

it was all or nothing.

he didn't fight for me, no. he fought for the "us" that he wanted, he fought for himself. he fought for her and her, but not me. i've been scrapping for myself since day one.

i need someone who dedicates himself to me like how he did her.

i need to be #1 in my life, not to mention his.

i need to feel important.

i need to feel the love and when i'm in my deep dark funks, i need him not to be afraid to get down there with me and offer me even more love to make sure that i feel it.

i need to feel it.

i need to feel it from a man.

because i never have.

you understand? because i was never daddy's little girl, i need to feel that way before i can ever have a little girl of my own. before i can have a jointly owned dog with someone. before i can even share my cat with you. i need to feel it from you. then i won't be insanely jealous of a dog, or an infant, or a coworker, or a cat.

if you make me FEEL a certain way, then take responsibility for it.

....

one of my final thoughts was, 'hey, i could make this work - if only i let go of the illusion of it being more than it is....' but then i caught myself, that's what i've Been doing..... that's how i got HERE. that's how. so stop fucking around, g. stop it! you are going to drive yourself insane. just deal with the decision you've made and move on. because there's no point in being in a 'relationship' at age 26 if it's not that serious or if it is. either way, you're screwed.

people don't know who they are in their 20's anyway. just take this time to ride it out. thirty is right around the corner, and hopefully by then you will have developed some major emotional skills, found a job/calling that you love, and gotten OVER yourself.

that's the key to life. just get OVER it.

i need to live my life for me and no one else from here. on. out.//

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?