2006-08-11 @ 3:29 a.m.....

i'm not proud of it
i don't flaunt it
i'm not going to go out and cut a bitch
or even him

i'm just pissed at myself for allowing this to happen in the first place

but shit happens.

anyways. i've got my mother fuckin clue alright. thank you so very much for putting your sentiments into such a concise sentence.

now i know what i need to do. which direction to go.

far.
away.
from.
here.

a year from now i hope to be writing, painting, and celibate again. moving in the right direction. not looking back.

lofty aspirations, eh?

i might go back to live with my moms. i don't know yet. there's a certain comfort, full-circle-ness to that. poetic justice.

i felt like i got sucker punched in the gut, puke all over the place.

heaved it up. so now i can move on.

i touched the hot stove and it burned.

now there's no way i can claim ignorance ever again.

i feel what i feel. i'm going through it. it is what it is.

it's too bad, is what it is.

but all the same. i'm done.

you don't motherfuckin talk to somebody who's in pain like that. you don't motherfuckin yell at someone who says they need your support. you don't take your own feelings over theirs at a time like that. or at least i wouldn't. that was my mistake, expecting from you what i already gave.

what you gave me was proof that you will always put your feelings first. you will always be clouded by your own irrational fear. then i guess you will always be stuck.

not me. i refuse. i'm going to move on from this place.

so help me.

i have to.

it's life or motherfuckin death.

you understand?

even after all this- my hope for you is that one day you will be able to have compassion for another human being. that you will be able to have a conversation that does not revolve around you. that you will be able to listen, truly listen to what another person needs without feeling like it detracts from who you are.

i hope that you will be able to move on from your last relationship before you even think of starting a new one. i hope that you have a fresh start with your new life.

i hope that you will learn that caring about someone doesn't mean dumping everything on them in order to relieve yourself, nor does it mean hiding everything in order to avoid an argument.

i hope that you learn that arguments between loved ones are not about right and wrong.

that sometimes all you need to do is listen without judgement.

i hope you learned something. if only that you are worth more than you think.

i certainly learned that much. that i am worth more than you think.

and that i may be going through a hell of a rough patch right now, a hell of a swamp, but that i'm still worth the trouble of getting down and dirty. of somebody willing to get right down in the muck with me in order to work it out.

i'm worth it.
i'm worth it.
i'm worth it.
i'm worth it.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?