2006-05-07 @ 11:53 p.m.....

dreams have always been a very significant part of my life. so much so, that sometimes my dreamworld becomes my reality and real life is but a dream.

i'm exhausted.

last night/this morning i had The. Most. Disturbing. Dream. i can remember having in a long long time. even the last dream i wrote about here pales in comparison. this dream was so bad, i woke up screaming, crying, hyperventilating. this dream was so real, i didn't leave the house today.

because i was afraid it would come true.

it was so. real.

a ford explorer.

a puppy toy poodle.

a frantic owner.

there was a lot of blood.

i just kept screaming and crying. crying and screaming.

and it all took place on my every day commute.

i just can't bear to have it happen in real life. i feel like i've already lived through this traumatic experience.

please.

all i want is for everyone to be safe and happy.

don't hurt yourselves.

don't hurt others.

PLEASE!!!!

but turn around and it's all we see. it's all we do. it's all we know. turn on the news and you'll see. you'll know.

violence perpetuates violence.

love begets love.

why can't we all strive for love instead of hate.

why does it have to be so hard to quiet the negative voices and just Be. Happy.

why do i always start out writing one thing and then end up writing something else.

why can't i find the words to write anymore.

why when i try to make the images in my head less real, more like a cartoon, do they scream back at me with such vivid detail and ferocity that i am moved to tears and dry heaving all over again.

why is my mind so twisted.

why am i disconnected from the way i feel and the way i appear????????????

that is the final question.

another dream had to do with my being So. Very. Angry. about my father. the not knowing is what will eventually eat me alive. the fear of the unknown. the fear that will eat the soul.

i. am. exhausted....

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?