2004-10-01 @ 1:24 p.m.....

am i really that mean?

i mean,

no wait.

okay. i just want to know what's wrong with me. why can't i stand the fact that someone might put me on a pedastal and worship me? why can't i believe that i'm worth it?

why can't i picture myself being with someone who is admirable, beautiful, witty, charming.... better than me?

why does that make me feel so self-conscious, so i run for the nearest derelict and latch onto him and drag him kicking and screaming up to my level only to dump him by the curb, cuz now he's getting his shit together and i've spent so much of my time on him, i seemed to have forgotten about myself in the process and i'm still stuck in the same place i was two years ago????

whew. what a run-on.

i don't know. maybe i do need professional help.

but i don't want to register myself in the system as having emotional problems. and i don't want to have to tell some blank face everything that i've gone through that brought me to this point.

so, diary, it's gonna hafta be you. you're the only one who can help me now. you're the only one i can tell what actually happens and i don't have to worry about you judging me or asking me a question that i simply cannot answer: "and how does that make you feel?"

basically. i am snubbing out the person who i thought was my inspiration. but he's become dead weight to me and i am his sole inspiration.... so i feel obligated to serve that purpose for him. but at the same time, where's my piece o the pie? where's my knight in shining armour who will whisk me away on his [black] steed and allow me to just.... relax....

i'll tell you. the closest i've come to that feeling - ever - was when i was with my ex. not because of him. but b/c of his parents.

they whisked me away. they took care of me. they showed an interest in me and they still love me despite the fact that he and i have now been separated for as long as we were together.

they took me out to dinner last night, they were in town all week but my work's been too crazy to meet up w/them. last night they literally wined and dined me.

and you know what. i could live like that for the rest of my days. yall can keep the boys/men/husbands/boyfriends/significant smothers....

i'll take those parents anyday.

i'm still their daughter. oh but i wish they could adopt me.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?