2004-09-30 @ 9:25 a.m.....

i have a million things on my brain:

1. i say "boyfriend" like that because i wonder how much of a future we will have if he keeps relying on me to take care of him. i've already played the mama role in a relationship and it did NOT work. i hated/resented/plotted my way out of it throughout the entire two years it dragged on and on.

2. i really do like the boy though. we have fun when we're together and when there's no worries about money or who's planning. basically, if i'm in control of the money and the planning- we'll have fun. if he is, well, i worry the entire time that he will not have covered every angle (of course this is always always the case, so i have reason to be worried).

3. but i know that if #1 and #2 apply, it won't last very long.

4. meanwhile he is becoming more and more infatuated with me by the second. but who wouldn't? and i say that innocently b/c basically i'm his only solace outside of the navy (solamente yo).

5. but my affection (love?) for him can't grow unless HE grows.

6. so that's where we're at with that.

(still soltera)

7. i've been thinking a lot about what i was going to write the other day.

8. i think what it was had to do with what kind of a mother i would make. i mean, i have no experience with children - being the youngest in my family (yes, my entire extended family of 3.... plus even the large, loud family my mother eventually married into) for, let's see, well my WHOLE life of 23 years before my niece was born (almost a year ago!). so i never had anybody younger around. and i wasn't the babysitting type. i would rather paint/mow lawns/do odd jobs than babysit. so i have absolutely zero experience with babies. and my brother and his wife are making it incredibly hard for me to even gain an ounce of experience b/c they protect their baby as if she belongs inside a bubble (yes, she's a bubble baby).... and well, i just don't know what i'd be willing to sacrifice for my child. i would like to say that i would sacrifice it all, become super-mom, etc.... but then i always want to have control, i don't understand people who don't do things rationally, and what if my kid likes some god-awful hobby like horseback riding or baseball or ????

i thought about my own mother and how she packed us up and drove us across the country and back for summer vacation '86. i was six, my brother, ten.

it was the most miserable vacation of a lifetime.

but the experience, well i guess you just could never re-create that in any way shape or form. it was the experience of a lifetime.

i taught myself how to dive in a las vegas pool.

i ate the world's best mexican food in albuquerque (is THAT how you spell that?)

i learned to sleep with one eye open in the roach motels we stayed at.

i realized how much it was my brother and me against the world (including mom).

we hated her.

but she gave up so much for us. whenever we did something crazy in our lives, she went with the flow. well, not really. but now she does.

she was reading me excerpts from her crazy-ass journal the other night. i only want to hear the stuff that has to do with ME.

most of it, was written exactly how i remember it. even when it was something that happened only to me, but i told her about it. she remembered and wrote every detail as i had emphasized it.... like a transcription of my memories.

i've strayed from my particular point now, far above and beyond. ... but i think i'd like to stay here for now.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?