2004-12-9 @ 3:15 p.m.....

i feel like i'm spending way too much time thinking about things lately.

that's what happens when:

a. you're an aquarius.
b. you get involved in philosophical conversations with an aquarius.

we can bullshit for days, but get us started on something real and we will beat it to death with a plastic spoon.

so one of the epiphanies i've come to throughout all of this digging/building.... just how much attention i crrrrave from the opposite sex. i mean, it's insane. that i could have someone calling me every minute of every hour to tell me how much i mean to him and how much he cares about me, how wonderful, perfect i am to him.... and yet i sit here, drumming my fingertips on my desk, mind racing, still searching for - MORE.

i have one on email, one on IM, one on the phone, i'm dreaming about one, hoping another is dreaming about me....

the list goes on.

i have never wanted to allow myself to look bad in the eyes of an ex.

i have never wanted them to believe that i have "moved on".... because i had hope that they would still hold that candle for me. and as long as i don't let on that i have moved on - they will still burn it night and day, day and night. for me. but i move on every day. every day i get further and further from the point at which i started 10 years ago....

it will never be the first time when a man tells me that i am The One. it will never be the first time that a man has ever claimed that i am His Whole World. it's NOT the first time that he has said, "i wouldn't be able breathe without you"....

but i'm treating it like it IS. is that okay? don't i deserve THAT? because all those other times, it hasn't panned out. obviously they can breathe without me now, can't they? obviously i'm not their WHOLE world, or they wouldn't have let me go....

but the thing is. i wanted to let go. i just didn't let them really let me go. i disappeared. i cut them out. i turned off feelings.

but i still left things open for them. still left that mysterious trail behind me. of wonder....

JJ - still calls out the blue, just to say "hi". last i knew he was reserving a spot for me in the future.

L--- - still calls, emails, tells me he's thinking about me and that whenever i am ready he is ready for me.

EE - used to do that, but i cut him off completely. obviously i didn't want that to continue (because he scared the crap out of me.... how can u care about someone and still feel like they are threatening your well-being???? anything is possible, i suppose)

i have D- on the post, because we started out as friends, then he messed around and became attracted to me. ever since he moved we haven't been hanging out like we used to (kind of lucky, considering the predicament i'm in), but recently in an email he confessed that "hindsight is 20/20 so in retrospect, i wish i had taken a chance and kissed you, since our friendship has dissolved anyway.... it would have been worth the risk".

worth the risk???? when this whole time we've established that we're: a. friends, b. NOT going to be attracted to each other, c. NOT ready for relationships, either one of us?

i must say i dodged that bullet quite nicely, although it was mostly due to the fact that he's a good-ole country bwoy from north cackalack....

let's see, then there's M---, who i am IN LOVE with i've decided. head over heels. smitten as a kitten. yet have put ALL my feelings on hold til shit sifts out over his move and his girl.... i moon over this guy. secretly. and i don't let him know as much as i used to (when i used to write all about boys in my other journal, hmmm i guess that would be the reason behind the shift of balance b/t this journal and that one, this one now contains everything i don't want him to know). he used to know EVERYTHING about me, back when it was risk-free. so why should i up and change now???? b/c i don't want to ruin my chances at a future with him.... and listen to me, it's as if that's even something i have any control over.... but of course i like to exert control over the uncontrollable, it makes me feel better even while knowing that i'm not controlling anything....

anyway, in some bizarre way, i feel like i'm not ready for M--- to be a part of my life. we IM, we text message, but that's about the extent of it. i'm pretty glad actually that there is that boundary of him having a girl (although that's a boundary that i've set, not him....). because it gives me time.

i guess i'm just soooo incredibly scared of, what am i scared of? oh yeah, of finding the right one and putting all my time and energy into it and risking losing it all....

i'd rather put temporary time and energy into this one over here, A--. because if things don't work out, i still have the fantasy of M---, or any one of my many "friends" who have not been tainted with my craziness when it comes to relationships....

so i've realized that i need all of this attention, like i really need it yo.... in order to survive. i'm making up for lost time. i'm filling that void that's been with me since birth. and it's quite possible that - no single person will ever be able to fill that void by himself.... i realized it with EE, i realized it with L---, i'm realizing it with A--, i still crave more....

my girl, A---, told me that M--- is the same way, only he's a dude. She and he are actually really similar, like brother and sister even. so it makes sense that he and i would get along. A--- and i always said that if we could find dudes like each other, we'd be set. in fact, her man B-- is really a lot like Me.... i can totally tap into his brainwaves and let her know (put her mind at ease) what he's thinking when he seems to make no sense (most of the time)....

all of this made me wonder, and wonder and wonder and wonder, if M--- could be the one.

but why haven't i ever allowed myself the Alone Time that i keep telling myself and everyone around me that i need? why do i distract myself from.... myself? why haven't i gone 2 months without having some dude on the other line beeping through????

it all comes back down to the fact that, i need male attention. i don't think i could survive without it and so, i seek it out even in my Alone state. even when i know better.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?