2004-12-13 @ 5:41 p.m.....

oh, f*ck all that, drove back to NYC this weekend and a bitch went plumb crazy....

i kid you not.

A-- was not lyin when he said that i am so incredibly passionate that love drives me insane.

it really does.

i was LIVID. i was seeing RED. i was a raging LUNATIC.

and i hate to be like that. i almost wish i could blame it on PMS, although if it were, i could never take myself seriously ever again.

so no, it has absolutely nothing to do with PMS. and everything to do with the fact that i:

1. think way too deeply.
2. feel way too intensely.
3. express no emotion whatsoever.

these three factors. combined. into one = me. and i am in straight up denial about #2, which leads me to #3 - deny everything.

all of those things battling in one mind/body = DRAMA.

i hold it all in, i hold it all in. i act all nonchalant about everything. everybody i know thinks that i am the most laid-back person they've ever met.

but mess around and try and be in a relationship with me. suddenly, nothing is trivial, it's all a huge-scale battle for what? control?? is that what i'm ultimately fighting for?? it just might be. b/c control is that intangible that it can elude you and make you think you have it when you actually have none.

so anyway, i act as though nothing were bothering me. cool breeze.

then a speck of dust settles on the landmine that is my heart and i BLOW UP!

quick rundown of the scenario, since i know you need to know:

i drove up to nyc for the second weekend in a row, partially b/c i like A-- a lot. the main reason i went though, is b/c my friend V------- was going to be in town from LA celebrating her and her goddaughter's birthday (same day) early. i mean, i knew that there would be that time set aside for that.... but i was trying to pencil A-- in....

but he was throwing up roadblocks. left and freakin right.

shit.

so that of course is going to drive me to think negatively about our situation. that damn, if i can put myself out here through my actions, showing how much i like him, and he can't even hop on a TRAIN to see me?? meet me halfway??

that blew me.

but i was cool. i was SO cool about it. i said, "i'm just disappointed" and was ready to move onto the next.

but why, oh why? did i have to listen to him and actually call him upon my return home to DC, to let him know i got home safely in the wee hours of the morning.... and his older brother answered the phone giving me a LECTURE.

now you know i don't play that shit. (i don't take well to being chastised by men, particularly OLDER MEN!)

i'm talking about he picked up the phone KNOWING full well who i was and why i was calling and he didn't give me a chance to speak, instead said: "Who is this? What are you doing, honey? Don't call here at 3 in the morning." click. no room for me to say one word. although i did say "i'm sorry" as he was hanging up the phone.

that was that last straw. that was that piece of dust.

i was BLOWN.

that there. deaded shit for me. i said, "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, you're cool, FUCK YOU, I'm OUT" a la Scarface from Half Baked....

i just wanted to peace out. cuz that shit is totally unnecessary. if you ask me, that's some prick shit. and i don't use that word. but that's what it is.

so. i deaded shit in my mind. now you know i must be pissed, b/c i'm using all of the basest forms of vocabulary available to my fury-flooded brain.

anyway i made a list that said the following:

1. I put myself out there, which i don't normally do. My actions speak for themselves in telling how much i like you.

2. You did not reciprocate, plain and simple.

3. I'm disappointed because you tell me all these things over the phone and, then what? you can't take a 40 min. train to see me after i drove 4 hours?

4. I don't want to argue about this- it shouldn't have to be this hard, it should be as simple as, you want to see me, you make it happen.

5. I also don't want to make excuses for this - it's not okay. it doesn't make me feel like you really are willing to put forth the same amount of effort in this thing that i am.

6. by the way i don't appreciate being chastised by your brother for calling you after you TOLD me to call you.

these were my bullets. these were my guns. these were what i was clutching all morning long as i tossed & turned and had a horrific dream about my ex, EE.

damn right you should NEVER go to sleep angry.

that's some foul shit.

so my issue really wasn't so much about me not liking being chastised, that was just the catalyst. and luckily i recognized that fact and decided to really concentrate on #s 1 & 2, and flesh them out. streamline, streamline, streamline....

so when he called in the morning, i'd know exactly what my issues were.

but the problem was, i was still angry. really angry. so i can be a total gangsta with mine when it comes to that.

i mean i was REALLY seeing the color RED right before my very eyes and there was nothing i could do about it....

so i was ready to throw in the towel, really.

because if he's not willing to show and prove, let me cut my losses, let me evade the real issue - rejection.

and V's boy A brought up a good point. he said that 90% of the time a guy is looking for some ass. and that this dude is probably tired of putting forth the energy and effort if he's not getting any. case in point, when V met A, she slept with him the 2nd time she hung out with him. and he's been at her beck and call ever since.

ain't that some shit?

i mean that really threw my mind for a loop, considering all my issues with men and sex.

this is the last thing that i want to think about. i am trying so hard to not hate men right now. so hard. i mean what he said made me want to cry. but i guess the Truth does that to you.

i'm sure in a way he is right. and he's right about the fact that, when confronted, A-- will deny it vehemently out of deference to me, because even if it is on his mind that he wants to be The One, he wouldn't disrespect me by telling me that.

and i can appreciate that.

but none of this changes the fact that. i'm NOT ready for sex right now.

here i am trying to come to terms with my misconceptions and disconnects and just plain confusion between the definitions of sex, desire, satisfaction, love, intimacy.... whatever else fits the bill.... b/c all of these things are inextricably tied together with all types of negativity in my mind. maybe even in my heart. i don't really know.

so it's all in a negative space for me, and here you are trying to tell me that i need to put out or get out?? (this is A telling me this, not A--, by the way)

luckily my girl, A--- (not to confuse you.... but that's how it be sometimes!) is like a dude at heart. i mean, she's just great at thinking like a typical dude, due to her close relationship with her older brothers.... anyway, she put shit in perspective for me (or maybe was just telling me what i needed/wanted to hear):

we (A-- and I) have great conversation, we both put a lot of time and energy into each other, there's no harm in continuing this, to see what happens.

but STOP already with the fucking analyzing, the pressure, the expectations, the worries, the over-thinking, the planning, the plotting, the thinking ahead to a vast and unknowable future.

just enjoy, for now. and take it slow.

and it IS possible to explore a friendship that involves feelings, but that is not that SERIOUS.

my back hurts.

i am slacking off at work so badly that my team leader is receiving calls from the customers asking why i haven't responded. i am the shittiest right now.

maybe this will all become clearer tomorrow.

i re-read my archives and really can't believe that this is my life. i mean for real, it's like some other person, a scribe or something, was following me around, observing me, and writing everything down that i've been thinking/going through.... it's some wild shit.

sorry for the expletives.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?