2004-12-14 @ 12:00 p.m.....

i got a letter today, an email, that said this:

"(I tried, but obviously failed, to kill myself friday night; so said, to be a failure at even that)."

yes, the parentheses were included. so in essence, this person felt that this information was just that, parenthetical.

paren-fuckin-thetical!!!!

i mean, what the shit can i respond to that????

i want to beat this person up over this. it makes me so .... so.... so.... ANGRY!!!! i wanna slap the shit out of him, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

i really don't understand suicide. it makes absolutely no fuckin logical sense to me. i mean, it's sad, it's tragic, i really feel for those who know someone who just went and removed themselves from this earth. i feel for those who were left behind.

but for those who do it - well there's the two types: those who succeed and those who fail.

when the person succeeds, that's it. what really can we do except wonder. because we will never be able to really know. the people who are left behind are the ones left with the loss of someone who obviously DID mean something or else no one would miss them.

when the person fails, whether on purpose or by accident. that person was given a second chance. and perhaps he was looking for attention. perhaps he's trying to gauge his worth by admitting to someone that he might not have been here today.

but i don't get it.

we are all here, suffering, loving, living, going through all of the trials and tribulations that make up this lifetime. if we are not here for any other reason than to simply take up space, so be it - but we are here. and for you to remove yourself - you are taking away that very purpose you were here for. you are giving up. you are quitting. you are self-fulfilling your worthlessness....

only you can determine your own value. even when you acknowledge someone else's kindness or praise, you are the one depositing that into your worth, you have absolute power over that. some people take in everything negative that someone says to them and uses that as the basis of their existence. some people take only the good.

i guess that there is some element of balance in there that we need to pay attention to.

i know that i have my own issues. although i've never shared a single one with this particular person. i tend to keep my negatives to myself (except in the realm of d-land, of course!). that's why i said that hardly anyone ever knows what's really going on with me, if anything bothers me, or if i ever show emotion.

but for real - i just can't imagine getting to that level where i completely surrender and give up. because for me it's as simple as, there's always tomorrow.

tomorrow, you never know what can happen. what changes YOU yourself could make. the possibilities are endless.

it's all in your own hands.

taking those possibilities away, that's the most selfish act there is. think of all the people you know. who would have to spend the rest of THEIR lives wondering - why? and never getting an answer, b/c you aren't there.

A-- once said: "when you hurt, the world hurts. why would you want to hurt the world?"

i feel like he's the one who has said the things that i will think about for the rest of my life. i had a dream about it once.... a dream within a dream. i've been searching for that ever since.

there's always tomorrow.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?