2004-12-27 @ 11:11 a.m.....

ha, 11:11.

i have so much to update i don't know where to start.

i've basically given up writing anything of meaning in my other journal. i'm so p-noid about the strange ip's checking it from "no referring link".... that and the fact that i feel like i am literally going out of my mind over a boy.

he's just a boy. whatever happened to me being made of steel and ice? whatever happened to me not reacting on emotion? whatever happened to me not being an emotional person? whatever happened to being Rational????

i feel like.... a typical woman now. that i would go crazy over a man.

i hate that.

i hate anything typical. like the fact that i would immediately feel that all was right with the world as soon as i heard his voice.

hold up.

i need to quit.

why do i view all of these things as such.... weaknesses?

by taking away the validity of my feelings, i'm making myself weak. it's not that i'm weak, but that i'm making myself that way. he's not making me weak, no, i am doing that all by myself.

all this psychosis, and yet he still waits patiently. i don't know what to think about that. i think i am such a perfectionist that the minute i do something less than perfect i expect him to throw in the towel with me....

i really do have problems:

i think too much, i over-analyze, i don't ask questions, i make up answers, i live out extremely far-reached scenarios in my own mind, i deny my feelings, i don't even understand my feelings, i repress, i displace, i project....

i almost feel like i'm high-strung. what???? doesn't my name mean, calm/tranquil? hasn't that been me my whole life???? even-keeled, the most well-adjusted child anyone had ever seen? the most laid-back, un-stressed, peaceful person you ever met????

those were the ways people described me back in the day, oh even 2 months ago. pre-november 11th. when i suddenly started giving a fuck. when out of the blue somebody cracked through the iron fortress surrounding my heart. when i suddenly started caring what somebody else thought of me.

i went through my life a lone. the only person i had to please was myself. because there was no one else.

do you know what i thought about last night? as He and i were talking about what it means to me when he says i'm beautiful....

"i'm sure you've heard that before",
"yeah",
"well, how does it make you feel?",
"whatever, it's just a word, beauty is in the eye of the beholder",
"but i'm sure that you get holla'd at every single day by guys telling you how beautiful you are, so that must make you feel like you're beautiful to a lot of people",
"even if i did, i wouldn't take it too seriously, i don't take those guys seriously",
"why not?",
"because it's just a word, it doesn't mean much to me. it's just surface, ....",
"what about when i say it to you? is it just a word then?",
"well, it's still just a word, but you know me, and what you say matters to me for some unknown reason....",
"why?",
"i don't know, it just does...."

as i was drifting off to sleep i thought of something significant....

the first time anyone who mattered to me told my i was "beautiful" was when i was 16, visiting my brother in college, trying desperately to get away from a crazed lunatic of a mother.... my brotherb was worried about his friends coming onto me and i tried to brush it off and he said, "you know you're beautiful, right?"

and i cried.

i had never heard that shit before. not from someone i knew and trusted. maybe not even from anyone else.... my mother never told me that. her boyfriend never told me that. i had no concept of myself as being "beautiful".

i never had a father to tell me i was his number 1, i never was able to be "daddy's little princess", i was never given those daily affirmations that a girl should receive from her father.

and by the time my brother felt comfortable enough to tell me, i had already convinced myself otherwise. because when faced with a void, i tend to fill it up with negativity. maybe i'm just keeping house, throwing all the bad shit away into what seems like a bottomless pit.... but when somebody brings that void up.... whoa, boy, break out the umbrellas it's gonna be a shitstorm up in here....

that's why i cry so rarely. but so easily, if just the right subject is brought up.

if you ask me "are you okay?" and i say, "yes", but you sense otherwise and probe, "are you sure?" and i get to thinking.... about how no i'm really not okay, if you think about it in the truest sense, i have this void, and it's full of bad stuff, and it just keeps accumulating and it hurts, and it haunts me when i'm all alone with too much time to think, like right now.... then the tears immediately stand on the edge of my lower lid, ready to jump with one final question, "do you want to talk about it?"

that's why i cry, so rarely, but so easily, if someone who is insightful asks me a single question about any of the many things i've thrown into that void....

i've spun completely off on another tangent, haven't i? well, it's what's on my mind as of right now, i guess. that and, still spinning in the crazy shop, buying up a storm. on bad credit.

i don't know how one person alone could.... do anything in this world. what makes Him think that I'm The One???? what makes me think that He Is????

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?