2006-01-04 @ 10:42 a.m.....

i have to get these horrible images out of my head.

i had the MOST violent and disturbing dream of my ENTIRE life last night.

it was portrayed documentary style, with clips that were sometimes in first person, sometimes 3rd.

it was all about couples of different races and how much they despise each other behind closed doors and within their separate communities.

there was much bloodshed. spitting. hitting. defiling.

and you know who suffers. the children.

i was the main character, mother to the 10 year old child getting dragged through wartorn neighborhoods, the color of her skin her only protection. i was also behind the camera, watching in disbelief as knives were flashed and teeth were gnashed.

i was also the lonely woman watching the tv screen in shock and horror.

i have seriously NEVER had a dream with that much gruesome detail and imagery. i've always had the chase scenes, the guns flashed, but never ever the slapping, the tooth-loosening uppercuts, the spitting, the hateful names called, the total disregard for humanity.

i'm so deeply disturbed by what my dream had to say. that underneath it all, we hate each other. that i hate. i hate myself. as much as i try to cover it up, especially around new year's when i resolve to treat myself better.

outwardly, i am trying to. in an attempt to influence the internal. because it for damn sure is coming from within.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?